Personal Ad Dictionary

Today I bring you the first ever tag team blog entry. Like a bad wrestling partner I didn’t give Rob the head’s up before jumping into the ring, but I figured when somebody else has a good topic for a post that’s one less thing for me to come up with. In keeping with Rob’s Personal Ad theme I thought it best to elaborate on the proper terminology used, e.g. SWM “Single White Male” or SWF “Single White Female”. There are many such acronyms today, but an even greater truth is the “hidden” meaning behind common phrases used in everyday language. The following items can be used as a reference when placing your own personal ad:

What Women REALLY Mean
40-ish…. 48.
Adventurer…. has had more partners than you ever will.
Athletic…. flat chested.
Average Looking…. ugly.
Beautiful…. pathological liar.
Contagious Smile…. don’t mind the herpes.
Educated…. college drop out.
Emotionally Secure…. medicated.
Feminist…. militant ball buster.
Free Spirit…. stoner chick.
Friendship First…. trying to live down reputation as town slut.
Fun…. annoying in a Gigli kinda way.
Gentle…. comatose.
Good Listener…. borderline autistic.
New Age…. all body hair, all the time.
Old-fashioned…. lights out, missionary position only.
Open-minded…. desperate.
Passionate…. loud.
Outgoing…. loud in bed.
Poet…. depressive schizophrenic.
Professional…. Class A bitch you can’t afford..
Redhead…. shops the Clairol section.
Reubenesque…. grossly fat.
Romantic…. looks better by candlelight.
Voluptuous…. very fat.
Weight proportion to height…. GINORMOUS.
Wants soul mate…. one step away from stalking.
Widow…. nagged first husband to death.
Young at heart…. toothless crone.

What Men REALLY Mean
40-ish…. 52 and looking for 25 year old.
Athletic…. sits on the couch and watches ESPN.
Average looking…. unusual hair growth on ears, nose, and back.
Educated…. will always treat you like the idiot you are.
Free spirit…. would love a threesome with you & your sister.
Friendship First…. as long as friendship includes nudity & a hand job.
Fun…. good with a remote and a six pack.
Good looking…. arrogant.
Honest…. pathological liar.
Huggable…. overweight, more body hair than a bear.
Likes to cuddle…. insecure, overly dependent, mama’s boy.
Mature…. until you get to know him.
Open-minded…. wants to sleep with your sister, but she’s not interested.
Physically fit…. I spend a lot of time in front of the mirror admiring myself.
Poet…. has written on bathroom stalls.
Spiritual…. once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday.
Stable…. occasional stalker, never arrested.
Thoughtful…. says “please” when demanding a beer.

Finally I leave you with a sample ad to give you some ideas:

WM, 33, 5’7“ 180lbs., brown eyes, black hair, likes fast women (of age & conscious), stiff drinks.
Occupation: blogger, rock star, filmaker, tattoos, likes cats.
This thoughtful gentleman is looking for that spiritual connection. Friendship first with an open-minded individual would entertain this free-spirited poet who despite being average looking appreciates the intimacy of an honest relationship. Sun-dipped, sand-toned, Barbie-cut, silicon based life-forms must provide proof of liability insurance. Druggies, self-abusers, psych students need not apply.

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3 comments

  • Bravo. [stands and applauds] Excellent companion piece.

    You’re my hero.

  • That was hilarious, you rule man. The best has to be female “passionate.”

  • I love it!

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