Driving In Dallas.

Fred e-mailed this to me this evening:

Some Rules For Those Who Would Visit Dallas…

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

If in you live Denton County and your Mapsco is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules … “Hold on and pray”.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, “Get on Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6AM to 10AM.

The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 8PM.

Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth!”

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road… all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound Lane of EAST NORTHWEST highway. Don’t let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap.”

If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round if it is Spring – and it is the Texas State Fair if it is Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his ’yard’, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final warning: Don’t Mess With Texas Drivers.

Cell Phones Don’t Kill People

Cell phones don’t kill people, IRRESPONSIBLE, IGNORANT, LOUSY DRIVERS kill people. Enacting bans on cell phones isn’t going to prevent the same class of idiot from hitting someone else while they change a shirt, munch on food they just snagged from the drive-thru window, apply makeup because they’re late for work or change CDs while yapping with the passenger sitting next to them. If the cellular companies were smart they’d pay Lexus to rerun their safety commercials that were so popular two years ago. Hopefully, these new laws won’t get passed without a lot of noise from businesses & consumers alike.

Sometimes I think people just take their freedom for granted. What happened to personal responsibility? If some poor schmuck goes through the car windshield because he didn’t where his seatbelt that’s Darwinism baby. Wasting my tax dollars to arrest people because some bureaucrat wanted to save people from themselves, that’s just rude. But tragedies like the Columbine Massacre only rally the masses to point fingers at everyone else. Blame the media – movies & TV are too violent, blame the Internet – Doom, Unreal & Counterstrike are too violent, blame the NRA – they make guns accessible to children. Daycare is bad, homeschooling is good. Like a teeter-totter society goes from one extreme to the other while most of us in the middle suffer the consequences.

You want to make a difference? Start with yourself. God may save your soul, but you deal with people on a daily basis. Respect is a mutual thing. Don’t like what the government is doing? Get involved. Use technology to your advantage and find out who your state senator is. Think kids today have no values? Your neighborhood is going to pot? Get involved. Check out your local community services.

Can’t wait until a stoplight to dial that number or invest $5 in a hands-free kit for your cell phone? Then you might as well shut up & drive…