The episode kicks off with a consult (a sense of routine is good after all the hoopla last week). Sean inadvertently gets the client’s name wrong and we get to see the flabbiest set of triceps in this hemisphere. Bad jokes about air conditioning aside, this girl needs some help and fast. We learn Ms. Burger is getting the surgery done for the love of her life – Isaac, a man she’s been dating for six(?) months… via the Internet. 143lbs lighter, she needs some quick cosmetic surgery to “make her an honest woman”. For those that need a refresher on what cybersex is like clicky clicky.
Cut to Christian & Sean in the parking garage having yet another conversation about the need to advertise. Christian lets Sean know they’re screwed if they don’t go looking for business to which Sean points out Christian’s car which has been vandalized again. “I assume your car illustrates your point?”
Cut to the next morning, Matt enters the living room where Sean is just waking up.
“What you and Mom are fighting again? Color me surprised.”
“No, we aren’t fighting. I just couldn’t sleep.”
“You can’t sleep because you’re depressed.”
Matt takes on the role of “wise parental figure” and consoles Sean who’s obviously distraught about losing the baby. A bonding moment ensues and we learn Sean would have named the baby “David” if it had been a boy. “My sons – Matt & David.”
Cut to Christian discussing possible vandalism suspects with the police in his office. It seems the top candidate Annette Babcock killed herself (back in Episode 3).
Cut to Christian confronting Grace in the break room.
“It’s was you, you did it.”
“That’s right Christian, I sunk your battleship AND I ate your yogurt.”
“No No No, my car YOUR the reason my car keeps getting vandalized.”
Grace then gives a long winded speech about how a narcissistic child such as Christian has little affect on her, but there are plenty of other ladies that probably have it in for him. Christian realizes she’s not the vandal, but also takes it upon himself to correct Grace about their little swaray. “No orgasm? Please baby those weren’t Kegel exercises you were doing. We both know YOU. WERE. MY. BITCH.”
And Christian & Grace are sexin’ it up in the break room.
Cut to Vanessa (Matt’s ex-girlfriend) getting cozy with Ridley in front of her locker. Ridley freaks out at the PDA (public display of affection). “Aack! You’re such a LITTLE dyke.” Matt oversees the argument walks over to Vanessa to see if she’s okay. “I’ll be okay if you’ll be the meat in our sandwich baby.” It’s at this point I throw the remote at the screen because Matt hesitates too long giving an answer.
Cut to the bedroom with Julia & Sean. He’s depressed, this time it’s because of Annette Babcock. Yet another speech and grueling self-analysis followed by a vulnerable sex moment. Julia is offering the goods again and Sean still sees fit to turn her down. This time is with good reason. Unexpectedly, they have no protection and Sean just can’t handle the thought of losing another baby. His answer “I’ll get a vasectomy.”
Cut to next day Christian & Matt are going out on the boat. Matt wants to inquire about threesomes, but Christian says there are new rules – your mother said so. Matt reminds him they would have nothing to talk about then. Brief discussion about Matt’s maturity level then it’s on to “Orgies For Dummies”.
Rule #1 – It’s all about the ladies.
Rule #2 – It’s all about the ladies.
“And be sure to take plenty of B vitamins, that shit is exhausting.”
Cut to Christian & Sean preparing for surgery. Christian’s rambling on about his boat being vandalized, (oh yeah, I forgot that happened in the previous scene) how he got slipped the stinky finger by some chick in college and Sean’s ignoring him. Sean goes on about being depressed and that he’s planning on having a vasectomy. Christian tells him that’s a bullshit thing to do and how this idea is maybe just as asinine as wanting to keep the baby in the first place. (Of course, Christian said everything but the fact that their marriage is screwed anyhow)
[All the women are screaming at the TV now]
*cue music from Titan Auto Insurance commercial*
Next up a consultation with a breast cancer survivor. Megan O`Hara and her husband Jim are thinking about breast implants (actually Megan hasn’t thought about it, but hey what a pick me up). Jim’s doing all the talking until Megan tells Sean “Honey, it’s okay these are my tits we’re talking about.” Sean notices Jim is very stoic in the conversation.
“Haven’t you cried?”
“Who me?”, says Jim “I’m a pillar of emotional strength.” At this point he breaks down and curses the cancer that ruined HIS life. Uhm… Jim? Megan had the cancer okay?
Cut to Christian speed dialing all his previous conquests. It’s not going very good, apparently his short term memory fizzles the moment he looks up from his black book to DING… please leave a message. He tags Melanie, Penny… err… Jenny then gets a call in from Gina. You remember, everyone’s favorite study-buddy from sexaholics anonymous. Seems she’s still bitter and she left Christian a present in the form of herpes… just kidding, but she’s still bitter. They trade a few barbs, Christian thinks she might have caused the vandalism, Gina tells him to go to hell. HANG UP. Phone rings, it’s Kimbar. You remember from Episode 1, new breasts, new nose, about a 7 or an 8.
Cut to next day, Kimbar’s at a photo shoot. “I told you not to shoot her bad side!” The manager’s barking orders, in walks Christian. “Christian! You’re here!” Kimbar can’t contain her excitement. She just got booked on her first magazine cover. She thanks Christian for his marvelous work and he hesitantly replies “Look at you, you’re an 11 baby.” The reunion is interrupted by Nico her manager/fianc?. “Hey doc, you do great work, you think we need to lift this ass a little?” Christian feeds Kimbar the soul searching story, apologizes for treating her like shit, says she deserves better, a lot better from the looks of her sleazy manager.
And we’re having sex in the shower.
Cut to the next morning Christian’s walking to his car on the phone with Kimbar. He notices Gina by his car (still covered in graffiti). They have a brief exchange of words, he threatens to get a restraining order and Gina reminds Christian that you would need a LAST NAME for that to be effective. More trash talk thrown around followed by Christian slamming Gina up on the car… heh, sorry folks no sex scene here.
Cut to Matt & Vanessa going over the supplies for their lovefest. Vanessa hits Matt with the reality check, “You can never have me the way Ridley does.” No worries, Matt’s just in it for the extra booty or so he wants to believe.
Now we’re watching the prep room where Megan is sampling her breast implants. A brief exchange between her and Sean. I did not realize that breast reconstruction did not include nipples. The graphic nature of this scene might upset a few folks. Megan is touched by Sean’s bedside manner and he reveals that Julia miscarried. SIDE NOTE – Having no personal experience with breast cancer I thought this scene was handled with a respectable degree of sensitivity.
Cut to Nico storming into the practice looking for Christian’s office. Sean is following up with Ms. Burger who seems okay so long as she can fawn over her picture of her dream man Isaac. This interlude is interrupted with the sounds of destruction, cut to Sean witnessing Nico trashing Christian’s office.
Christian arrives just in time to see Nico and a police escort. Sean and Christian exchange words, “Don’t shit where you eat man! Grace doesn’t, I don’t.” Grace quickly excuses herself.
Cut to dinner with Christian & Kimbar.
“I can’t see you, I’m a narcissist and Sean says I shouldn’t shit where I eat.”
“Oh, so I’m shit?!!?!”
“No no, I’m the shit… I’m the shit Kimbar. You should just go. (Oh how I hate Sean right now)”
And we’re watching the orgy… okay, we’re watching three teenagers sip fruit punch nervously while sitting on a bed. Ridley’s not impressed so she decides to start the underwear pile. Reminiscent of The Graduate we see Vanessa’s face full of love & wonder looking up at Ridley while Matt looks dumbfounded. Ridley calls Vanessa over, then tells Matt to get with the undressing. He’s eager to join the nookie, but Vanessa shoots him down, “YOU have to be invited. This is about us.” Matt’s pouting, but Ridley tells him to strip faster and join the party.
Cut to Sean’s office, Megan has cancelled getting breast implants. She feels hopeful, having left her husband. Sean’s surprised, but Megan says that it was at the second consult that Sean made her feel like a woman for the first time in ages. She wants to go for a drink, he offers to walk her to her car. Company policy ya know.
Girls kissing, repeat GIRLS KISSING. Ridley is the meat in the sandwich and Matt’s feeling left out again. Matt gives her a quick tap and she leans over to kiss him. Matt kisses surprisingly well. Vanessa is jealous, Matt is kissing Ridley with his eyes open glaring at Vanessa, “Oh yeah, this is for you bitch, feel my pain.” Vanessa tries to interrupt, but Ridley’s not having it. Vanessa gets out of bed, heartbroken.
Back in the parking garage we see Sean walking with Megan. He wants to thank her and we want to thank him for exploiting his codependence so well. Cut to Christian entering the parking garage in time to see Sean kiss Megan.
Cut to Kimbar’s apartment, Christian knocks and has flowers. It seems that No Dating Patients policy wasn’t really going to be enforced. He wants to try and be a one woman guy and thinks Kimbar’s a good start.
The episode wraps up with romantic music playing while Ms. Burger strolls along a patio looking for her Internet love Isaac. Her arms as shapely as her figure, she’s absolutely glowing up until she sees her love bunny who’s actually the size of a elephant.
The Good: Girls kissing… I kid, I kid. Actually, the scenes with Matt & Vanessa were well played as you could feel the emotional turmoil amidst the “Guys wish they were there” orgy. Christian giving Matt advice on orgies. Intense dramatic moment goes to Sean & Megan during the second consultation.
The Bad: Can’t think of anything at the moment.
Episode Rating: A