I will be crashing early tonight. My brain’s pounding so much I can feel my pulse in the back of my head. Managed to survive today at school even though the fates themselves aligned against me. Having survived power outages, Windows XP core dumps, corrupted files and printer errors, I was late to class this morning, but managed to show up with a completely rewritten proposal for my group English project. Fortunately, I had about two hours during class to review it with the group so we hammered out the details of items I might have missed. Got it turned in on time and now we just have to prepare for next week’s presentation. The semester ends next week, I’ll take a few days off then it’ll be on to the next term.
I will now attempt to emulate the stream-of-conscious entry posted by Rob this morning:
Be Advised All Brain Activity Has Been Suspended
Fishy, fishy in a brook,
Let me catch you on my hook.
I’ll gut and skin you nice and clean,
And rinse you off with kerosene.
I’ll hang you from a tree so high,
Then light a match and watch you burn….
An Ivy league theology professor was out visiting a friend at a local rural community college. She was asked to teach the class that day so she agreed. She started the class by asking the students, “what is the opposite of joy?”
“Sadness,” said one student.
“And the opposite of depression?”
“Elation,” said another
“And how about the opposite of woe?”
A tall beanpole of a man raised his hand.
“I believe that would be giddy up,”
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it?s a gay bar.
He says to himself, “What the heck, I really want a drink.”
When a gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, ”What?s the name of your penis?”
The customer says, “Look, I?m just not into that. All I want is a drink.”
The gay waiter says, “I?m sorry but I can?t serve you until you tell me the name of your penis.”
So the customer says, “Alright, what?s the name of YOUR penis?”
The gay waiter says “NIKE…you know, JUST DO IT.”
The customer thinks for a moment and says, ”The name of my penis is SECRET.”
The waiter says, “SECRET?”
The customer says, “Yeah … STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
Lesson for the day…
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.
The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.
Yesterday USA Today reported that scientists have revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of lager and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked incessantly without making sense, and couldn’t drive.
Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.
She says, “Put that away, Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”
Little Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.”
Trying to placate him, she says, “OK. I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?”
He says, “I wanna play Mommy and Daddy.”
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?”
Little Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.”
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes upstairs. Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises her head and says, “What do I do now?”
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”