Greetings dear readers. Hope you are enjoying Christmas with family & friends. May everyone receive their own personal miracle today. My regularly scheduled health update will show up tomorrow, but this episode of Sinfest sums up where I am currently on my fitness plan. Best wishes to you & yours!
Greetings dear readers. Not a whole lot of blogging today, so I’ll just regurgitate this old joke…
RECEIVED FROM AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR: You know that book Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).
First, the Assignment: English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing, Professor Miller.
In-class assignment for Wednesday:
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when they agree a conclusion has been reached.
And now, the Assignment as submitted by Rebecca & Gary:
At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago.
“A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his transgalactic communicator.
“Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4.
“Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel.” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her.
“Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
“We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow ’em out of the sky!”
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.
The man thought, “Great…he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.
“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”
A few years back I was hangin’ out with a buddy of mine and his two boys. In the process of rompin’ around one of the kids tripped on the carpet and face-planted right in the middle of the living room.
My buddy started laughing and before I could wipe the panicked look off my face his son looked up and started laughing too. “He’d be cryin’ like a baby if the wife was here. First rule of child-rearing – kids mimic adult behavior.” Apparently when the boys encountered something their kid brains couldn’t quite process they looked up at the parental units for the proper response.
It’s been a week since all the hoopla of the Superbowl and between the class action lawsuit and JT’s apology last night I got to thinking. How many kids would have noticed (or for that matter cared about) Janet’s boobie flash if a bunch of parents hadn’t flipped a nut?
Was it in bad taste? Sure. Wrong venue and timeslot? Okay. But did it shake the moral foundation of this country? Please…
Yes, I know I’m harping on a topic that by blogging standards is 2 years old, but as I’m in a government class this term, in the STATE OF TEXAS, where Bush is not only a hero, but will inherit his own highway with his initials on it one day… err… I digress.
Point is the conservative viewpoint is understood as THE viewpoint `round these parts. I get it. I certainly am not offended by it and don’t mind intelligent debates on whatever topic I happened to get speared with. I do have one request. I will gladly respect your right to look down on us from your morally superior high horse IF you treat the “deviant” as humanely as possible.
When touting the death penalty, I don’t revel in it by saying “Those f#ckers deserve to die, I’d pay to see it for myself.”
When voicing my opinion on abortion I would never say “Those bitches deserved to get knocked up so they better grow up and deal with it.”
Of course the best line from this week “All gays are going to hell anyway so why do I have to make their time on Earth any more enjoyable?”
I’m aglow with the kindness of God’s love that emanates from you my Christian brethren. There are plenty of things that I don’t like about this world and sure if I controlled the Etch-a-Sketch of Life maybe I would do something about it. But I don’t see the need to demoralize someone else or their views. A wiser man than me once said “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”
Jesus didn’t hang with just the righteous. Believe that.
I was wondering how I might get Acidman to read an entry about cats, but then Ryan (The Ward) gave me some inspiration. Earlier today he kicked off an entry about relationships and gave some examples of how women treat men like dogs. In the spirit of that entry here is what I’ve learned about women by observing cats:
1. When walking into a room full of strangers cats know whose lap they will sit in. Women already know who they’re going home with when they walk into a bar.
2. Cats are jealous creatures by nature and even in a multi-cat household a cat will prefer you stroke only one pussy at a time. The cat determines how long each stroking session should last and once they are no longer in the mood the session is over – period. If woman decides to invite you to a multi-partner extravaganza keep in mind it’s all about the ladies. “Also be sure to take plenty of B vitamins, that shit is exhausting”. (Christian, Nip/Tuck)
3. Cats have problems with misdirected aggression. It’s not unusual for your cat to attack you after seeing another cat walk by the window outside your home. They are unable to focus their aggression on the outside cat who they perceive as violating their territory hence the unexpected pouncing. When walking with your woman in public she may have the tendency to smack you upside the head if you’re looking at another woman.
4. Once you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat. Don’t expect to share anything that’s already owned by the cat. When you finally decide to cohabitate with your girlfriend your things quickly will become “our” things and anything of yours that is not appropriately marked by said girlfriend will be boxed or thrown away. More specifically, just because you paid half of the grocery bill does not mean you get to drink one of her yogurt smoothies.
5. After living with a cat for a while you will discover that whenever you are busy the cat will want your attention, but the moment you want to stroke your pussy it will be asleep, hiding, half-baked on catnip or especially not in the mood. A woman will ignore you from the moment you arrive home up until you turn on the television set to watch Monday Night Football then she’ll insist on telling you about her day. Any responses shouted during commercial will be ignored as will your sexual advances later that evening.
6. When it comes to getting your attention cats don’t distinguish between good behavior or bad behavior, but simply the fact that you are focused on them. To a cat rubbing on your leg and scratching your leather couch accomplish the same thing – your undivided attention. Women will also dictate when they want your attention in the form of a kiss (positive) or by setting fire to your DVD collection (negative).
7. Cats pride themselves on their independence. Hence, they’re not easily trained, they don’t do tricks, they don’t come when you call, they prefer to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone to sleep. Women admire these qualities about cats and aspire to show you their grrl-power. It should be noted that this fiery independence so admired by women is quickly detested when present in a man.
Alrighty, that’s my list for now. I’ll be kickin’ around more reasons why women are like cats to update this entry. Men are like dogs, women are like cats.