by A.J. Wood

Driving In Dallas.

Fred e-mailed this to me this evening:

Some Rules For Those Who Would Visit Dallas…

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.

If in you live Denton County and your Mapsco is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules … “Hold on and pray”.

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that.

All directions start with, “Get on Beltline”…which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6AM to 10AM.

The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 8PM.

Friday’s rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, “Oh, we’re in Fort Worth!”

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually “Road Rage” indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period.

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road… all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples).

The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It ends in Sherman.

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas, you must have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Park is not ornamental.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound Lane of EAST NORTHWEST highway. Don’t let this confuse you.

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. It also ends in Sherman.

LBJ is called “The Death Trap” for two reasons: “death” and “trap.”

If it’s 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

If it’s 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on.

If it’s rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round if it is Spring – and it is the Texas State Fair if it is Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park. Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc.

If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his ’yard’, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final warning: Don’t Mess With Texas Drivers.

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 by A.J. Wood

The Makings of Company Policy

Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result -all the apes are sprayed with cold water. Turn off the cold water. If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The New ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous Newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? “Because that’s the way it’s always been around here.”

That’s how company policy begins…

One day the creative side of me will explode in a rage like the Hulk. One day…

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