recap: nip/tuck episode 5

Sorry for the late posting, but this was one of the entries lost during the break-in. I’ve done my best to rewrite from memory.

Last week on Nip/Tuck… Christian discovers the competition while test driving a Lamborghini, Sean feels icky about the new porn star clientele, Matt adds “fluffer” to his list of vocabulary words along with “NGU” & “chlamydia“ we learn that while Sean doesn’t have the moves to “back that ass up” he’s certainly gentle & caring when it comes to the transgender community. Christian channels guilt into a brand new car while Sean decides to pass on porn & free sex.

OK, so what’s left to do after attending a porn party? Apparently a visit to Sexaholics Anonymous. Last night’s episode kicked off a close-up of Sean consulting with a new patient. Patient exclaims “Turn me Japanese! Will you turn me Japanese? I’m really cra-zy…” Well, maybe he doesn’t think he’s nutso, but Sean & Christian give him the once over. Apparently, the patient has found true love and she’s asked him to alter his gaijin appearance to look more like her Japanese ancestors. This is the only option available to fool her parents who must approve of him before he can get suckie-suckie. Would anyone else volunteer for mutilating their face? Yeah, I didn’t think it sounded like true love either.

Jump to Julia discovering she’s pregnant. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to Christian at the club with his boys scopin’ the nightlife (who knew Christian had any pals aside from Sean?). The usual debate over single vs. married ensues peppered with references to blowjobs and the variations of international head (apparently Germany gets high marks). His posse looks on in amazement as Christian picks another winner to play with his hobby horse.

Cut to next day, Julia’s getting an exam back. Watch her cringe as teacher mentions “Look who’s been studying.” Pissed off she storms out of class followed by her would be suitor doing his best Patrick Dempsey impression. “We should go to this great mid-east restaurant, they’ve got the Kama Sutra playing in the background.” to which Julia replies in vaguest possible way, but I won’t be here next term.

Cut to Sean & Christian preparing to do a tattoo laser removal. (Mind you while I have a full back tattoo, I do not have anybody’s name stamped on my butt) More philosophy about love and what is behaviorally acceptable. Grace requests help with a consult and Sean points out that Christian better be nicer to her to which he replies “She isn’t dead yet right?”

Cut to a consult with former 90210 star Gabrielle Carteris (you know Andrea) who finally decided to get her nose done. Well, maybe her head smashing into her steering wheel had something to do with it, but hey better late than never. Throw in some bickering between Christian & Grace and you get the gist of the scene.

Cut to the new patients walking out and Christian starts scolding Grace for not doing a proper consult before he stepped out of surgery. Conversation comes to a brief halt so Christian can checkout the fine booty that is attached to a young lady watering office plants, followed by Grace pointing out that hickeys are best left covered in the office, followed by Grace shaking her money maker for Christian as she struts off to her office.

Cut to dinner at the McNamara house. Sean gives Julia dead flowers (it’s a joke really) followed by vague dialogue about acorns & oak trees, A’s vs. A minuses and “Guess what I’m pregnant you jerk.” Sean once again looks baffled and confused.

Cut to morning surgery, ethics discussion about Japanese oppression, Sean gives Christian the “good” news about the pregnancy. Sean’s not sure what he thinks and as usual asks Christian to help him make the decision. Christian tells him “Seeing as how I really want Julia all for myself, I can’t answer that for you.” (No, he really doesn’t say that, out loud, but you can tell that’s what he’s thinking). Cue The Cardigans music and while the docs whittle away at the gaijin’s face “Love me, Love me… say that you love me.” is heard in the background.

*music still playing* “Fool me fool me… go no and fool me” Watch as Grace goes into Christian’s office to see him getting jiggy with the plant lady on the top of his desk. (Imagine legs in the air, Christian smiling at Grace… too funny)

Cut to Grace and Christian making quips back & forth in the breakroom:

“Surprised you don’t have a special coffee girl for that.”

“No, I like Jasmine she has the ability to make things grow.”

“I think you’re pissed because I busted up your boys club, better yet you have a sex problem and I think you should go to this meeting.”

“Gee Grace, that’s nice. Maybe if you had your own orgasm once in a while, you wouldn’t have to live through mine.”

*cue commercial break*

Cut to bedroom, Sean wants to have the baby, Julia doesn’t know if she can do it again. Sean is his delusional state says “But dear, a baby would fix all our problems, a baby equals marital bliss.” Julia thinks he’s full of shit, but then he agrees that he’ll take time away from work for the baby and she can still goto school. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to the creepiest scene of the evening. Christian is out trolling again and is propositioned by an old (and I do mean OLD) client. Apparently, she was once a looker and bartered for surgery enhancements. Christian points out her currency isn’t any good anymore to which this whacko offers up her 17yr old daughter as payment. “Ever do a mother & daughter? You can have us both Christian, I know how you like it… I’ll show her for you.” Yuck.

Cut to Christian skipping out and moving on to the sexaholics meeting. Christian isn’t impressed. Gets the speech from the headmistress running the show. “I understand if you want to leave, I know I did my first time here, but I’m 8 months celibate and never felt better. Here’s my number call me if you want a sponsor.” In true Christian form, he calls her as he’s walking out “Yeah I need a sponsor (and a good lay).”

Cut to Christian’s bedroom, headmistress is freaking out on the bed. “I slept with a plastic surgeon, 8 months of work gone, I’m such a horrible person, O my low self-esteem.” To which Christian tells her to 12 step her way out of his apartment.

Cut to next morning surgery, Christian realizes that Gabrielle Carteris (remember Andrea 90210) has had previous plastic surgery and assumes her husband is beating the crap out of her. Sean & Julia discover there’s a problem with the pregnancy and Julia will have to drop out of school and be bedridden for seven months.

Cut to McNamara house. Julia gets some takeout. Sean looks confused as always, and why is it that Matt has to be the mature one? Matt drills his mom about the baby, it’s obvious she doesn’t want it so why have another excuse to missout on school. (At this point Julia should have said “Oh yeah? Well, at least I didn’t almost cut off my penis!” but she doesn’t, instead she just sits there a mixed look of pride & guilt)

Cut to Christian & Grace finding out just how crazy to people in love can be as Gabrielle begged her husband to break her nose with a hammer (loved the flashbacks on that one).

Cut to Julia taking her midterm exams, then feinting after class.

Cut to Grace & Christian at the bar. She’s just been stood up, Christian offers and O-so sincere apology for riding her so hard at the office. They wax poetic about the boundaries of love and what extremes people go to then we cut to Christian riding Grace hard at his place (shame on you if you didn’t see that coming).

Cut to Christian giving his final grunts, Grace rolling out of bed and leaving without so much as a return glance.

The episode ends with Julia & Sean arguing about the miscarriage (shame again if you didn’t guess that one). Sean blames her for not wanting the baby, Julia’s pissed because he won’t acknowledge it as having been a quick fix, just another distraction from their real problems.

The Good: Grace walking in on Christian screwing the plant lady, that was a classic. The dialogue exchanges between Christian and almost every female in this episode. His lines were priceless.

The Bad: OK, I generally understand “Viewer Discretion” to mean mature content, but for God’s sake if I’m going to see Christian’s butt three times per episode at least balance that out with some semi-nude females. It’s getting to the point where I know what religion Christian is and that is just a little TMI for this guy.

Episode Rating: B+