by A.J. Wood

Ooh, I’m feelin’ feisty today…

I tend to think I’m an easy-going type of guy. Generally polite, I’m not one to make waves unless I feel particularly affected by something. Then there are the days where certain types of folks flip the little switch inside and BAM here comes the mischief.

If you are the type of person who would cross over two lanes of traffic to cut me off only to stop to throw out change in a TOLLTAG LANE then don’t be surprised if I run into you. Whoops! Did you just throw your change out onto the highway? Hey lady, I’m not the one stopping traffic in the middle of a TOLLTAG LANE and look there are ten cars behind me all honking at YOU. Might be a good idea to get off that cell phone and drive.

Amazing how some people are compelled to answer their cell phone when it rings. Doesn’t matter where they’re at, what’s going on, if it’s even appropriate, just “RING! Hey, Bob here. Wassup?” And why is it people will wear those earbuds while they walk around in public, but the same people don’t use the damn things while they drive? I walked into the restroom this morning and heard a guy in conversation. He’s in the first stall so I’m thinkin’ the second stall is being used.

<off topic>I hate public restrooms. I was once mugged at a urinal so I prefer a stall whenever possible.</off topic>

Before I can check the second stall the guy steps out and he’s wearing an earbud talking on his cellphone. Dude walks right passed me and out of the restroom. Any other day I probably would have let it go, but I quickly followed him out and tapped him on the shoulder.

“Look, not flushing the toilet after you took a dump I get that. That phone call is probably important and pinchin’ out a loaf without making so much as a grunt is quite an accomplishment. But seriously, not washing your hands afterwards? Dude, that’s gross.”

Now if I can just get in the habit of taking a cell phone pic when these things happen.

Link of the Moment: Neo Stream

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 by A.J. Wood

Campaign 2004

Once in a while I get the random e-mail from a Hotmail or Yahoo account that lambastes me for “my left wing views and support of all things liberal”. First off, I’ve never identified myself with either party and I’ve always welcomed open debate on whatever topic I happened to write about. I am fairly open-minded on a number of subjects, but a recent e-mail attempted to pin me down as to what exactly I stood for in this upcoming election year. Off the top of my head here’s what I think:

1. I believe in personal responsibility. While the chaos theory is in effect, YOU are ultimately responsible for the events surrounding your life. If you spill hot coffee on yourself it’s not the restaurant’s fault for making the coffee too hot, you’re just f#ckin’ clumsy. Sure Micky D’s has delicious cheeseburgers & fries & shakes & cookies, but damn man, put that shit down or you will get fat.

2. Family values come from family not the government. The thing I find most interesting about the Republican Party is while they tout a free market economy and less government control of businesses this doesn’t stop them from forcing their dogma on private citizens. If less government control is good for business then it sure as hell is good enough for consumers. It’s not the government’s responsibility to be the watchdog for family values, it is a family’s responsibility. If there’s a decline in family values it’s because families are less inclined to look at themselves first before passing the buck. You can’t control the media, the Internet, social peers, etc., but you can be a direct influence on your child’s life and their values.

3. Frivolous lawsuits bring damnation. As an amendment to Rob’s idea I say that the first offense to a frivolous lawsuit should be an immediately won countersuit, the second offense should be a public caning and finally if you just seem intent on being stupid the government simply deports you.

4. Of interest only to me. In a recent SprintPCS commercial a father complains that because his daughter’s nighttime phone minutes start at 9pm she prattles endlessly to the family (while braiding their hair). While it strikes a bit of funny seeing suburbanites decked out like Coolio I couldn’t help but wonder “What preteen needs a cell phone?” More importantly what kind of lifestyle do they lead? Maybe I’ve crossed that threshold into adulthood where I’m completely out of touch with the younger generation. I just recall simpler times as a kid. There were only four destinations as a kid – home, school, friend’s house and work (if you slipped passed that manager with a fake ID). It seems to me all these places still come with regular phones. And what about AIM? I’m thinkin’ Suzy/Sally/whatever would be chattin’ away online, typin’ in her blog, posting PhotoShopped love collages as a free technology alternative before gettin’ strapped with a cell phone.

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 by A.J. Wood

Looking from below…

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, “Great…he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”

“Just one” gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

“How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

====

A few years back I was hangin’ out with a buddy of mine and his two boys. In the process of rompin’ around one of the kids tripped on the carpet and face-planted right in the middle of the living room.

My buddy started laughing and before I could wipe the panicked look off my face his son looked up and started laughing too. “He’d be cryin’ like a baby if the wife was here. First rule of child-rearing – kids mimic adult behavior.” Apparently when the boys encountered something their kid brains couldn’t quite process they looked up at the parental units for the proper response.

It’s been a week since all the hoopla of the Superbowl and between the class action lawsuit and JT’s apology last night I got to thinking. How many kids would have noticed (or for that matter cared about) Janet’s boobie flash if a bunch of parents hadn’t flipped a nut?

Was it in bad taste? Sure. Wrong venue and timeslot? Okay. But did it shake the moral foundation of this country? Please…

Yes, I know I’m harping on a topic that by blogging standards is 2 years old, but as I’m in a government class this term, in the STATE OF TEXAS, where Bush is not only a hero, but will inherit his own highway with his initials on it one day… err… I digress.

Point is the conservative viewpoint is understood as THE viewpoint `round these parts. I get it. I certainly am not offended by it and don’t mind intelligent debates on whatever topic I happened to get speared with. I do have one request. I will gladly respect your right to look down on us from your morally superior high horse IF you treat the “deviant” as humanely as possible.

When touting the death penalty, I don’t revel in it by saying “Those f#ckers deserve to die, I’d pay to see it for myself.”

When voicing my opinion on abortion I would never say “Those bitches deserved to get knocked up so they better grow up and deal with it.”

Of course the best line from this week “All gays are going to hell anyway so why do I have to make their time on Earth any more enjoyable?”

I’m aglow with the kindness of God’s love that emanates from you my Christian brethren. There are plenty of things that I don’t like about this world and sure if I controlled the Etch-a-Sketch of Life maybe I would do something about it. But I don’t see the need to demoralize someone else or their views. A wiser man than me once said “Hate the sin, not the sinner.”

Jesus didn’t hang with just the righteous. Believe that.

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 by A.J. Wood

Take Your Cats On A Roadtrip

It seems Lauren is preparing to drive cross-country with her cats and having survived the experience myself I was inspired to share the following story.

The year was 1998. It was the middle of May and I had just put into motion my escape plan from Michigan. The Mayflower truck was already enroute to Phoenix and I was set to crash for the night at my parent&#8217s place. I had traveled many times cross-country, but this would be the first time with cats in tow.

My morning started at 4am. First task give Bailey & Julia the Xanax prescribed by the local vet. My sister had made a similar cross-country trip to Seattle only a year before and she highly recommended this method for cat control in the vehicle. Pilled Bailey without a hitch. Julia was quite a different story. The first pill she just up and spit out. The second pill I held her mouth shut for a minute and after she clawed my hand she spit it out. I tried a third, fourth & final time each drawing more severe lacerations until I needed pills myself to ease MY pain. After 30 minutes I decided I could deal with a howling cat in my car.

With my beat up Mercury Tracer packed to the legal limit, I put the two cats in separate carriers in the back seat. I realized right away I was in for a long trip as after thirty minutes on the road neither cat had stopped caterwauling. I knew I would hear from Julia as she wasn&#8217t medicated, but the surprise was Bailey. His drug induced stupor sounded like a small child drowning as his elongated yowl pierced my ears. Once I got on the highway I turned up my radio in an effort to drown out the cat noise.

After a while the chatter died down a little, but the cats would quickly start over whenever I pulled into a rest area. The vet had told me the cats would be less inclined to pee inside their carriers because of the confined space and I should encourage them to use a litterbox when making an extended stop. I tried this only once. I had just entered Ohio when I pulled into a welcome center. Knowing I couldn&#8217t walk the cats I had placed a small litterbox in the front seat of my car. With the passenger door open I took Bailey out of his carrier and placed him in the box. He immediately laid out spread eagle style. Apparently in his doped up state he was unable to stand correctly. He was so freaked out from being in the car that I realized he probably wouldn&#8217t use the box. It was quite a chore getting Bailey out of the litterbox back into his carrier. A 20lb. mass of fur covered in litter dust wasn&#8217t any fun to handle especially when it was as limp as a wet pasta noodle.

Mid-afternoon I had the brilliant idea to let the cats out of the carriers INSIDE the car. My thought was if they were allowed to move around a bit maybe they wouldn&#8217t be crying as much. It didn&#8217t take long before they both crowded around my feet and Julia wedged herself behind the brake pedal. I pulled off at the next exit and spent OVER AN HOUR attempting to get the cats back into their carriers. Julia proved to be the kitty-contortionist as no matter how many of her feet I had in my hand they all managed to pop out just as I placed half her body in the carrier. I tried the head first method, the butt first method. I tried standing the carrier up and dropping her in. I was lucky that she was too scared to run anywhere, but that didn&#8217t prevent her from ducking underneath my car. I had just finished with Julia when my attention turned to Bailey who I couldn&#8217t find. I was pretty sure he hadn&#8217t gotten out of the car while I was fussing with Big Mama Kitty and after a few moments I realized he was hiding underneath the driver&#8217s seat. I reached under and tried to pull him out, but he was stuck. I pulled a few times before getting a better look at the situation. Turns out his head kept bumping the seat lever whenever I pulled. He let out an elongated yowl and his eyes rolled like a crack baby. Oh yeah, the Xanax was such a good idea. I finally managed to get Bailey unwedged from the seat and put him back in the carrier. That&#8217s when the hornet flew inside my vehicle. Yeah.

Eventually I got back on the road and crossed my fingers in hopes that there wouldn&#8217t be any kitty accidents in the car. 15 hours later I stopped at a roadside motel. It was 1am. The cats got to eat & pee and I planned on sleeping for several hours. The cats made sure that didn&#8217t happen. At 4am I checked out. I passed on any further attempts to dope the cats as the pills only made Bailey&#8217s cries more annoying. I was in Missouri when I stopped. I drove straight all the way to Arizona only stopping for food & gas along the way. I drove like a man on a mission, neither rain nor sleet nor steady inclines which nearly blew out my engine would prevent me from getting to my destination so I could get these screaming felines out of my car.

The only event that would qualify as a similar Olympic sport would be cat bathing.

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 by A.J. Wood

Monday Morning Blog

Type type type… HIGHLIGHT-DELETE. Type type type… BACKSPACE 3x, type.

These are the moments I dread the most. The ones where my brain is in overdrive and yet spitting out anything coherent seems next to impossible. I used to be very good at stream-of-consciousness-there-in-the-moment ramblings, but lately I have fallen short. Hold that thought.

Before I forget I would like to direct you to the website of Ryan “Hardcore” McGee. Recently I nominated him alongside Mr. Perry for Blogger of the Year, but that’s not the point. The point is even more recently Ryan put together a printed collection of his writing which is sure to astound and delight audiences. I’ve mentioned on many occasions the wash of green that comes over me when I read Ryan’s blog. My growing admiration/envy stems from the fact that a lot of what he writes about I can relate to and if my vocabulary graduated past the “See Spot Run” phase then perhaps I would create a similar connection with my readers. Because that’s what great writers do.

You can find out how to purchase his yet-to-be-titled book here. I highly recommend it because I get a percentage of each sale (just kidding). Unlike the infamous Tony Pierce who has daily readership in the thousands, Ryan’s blog hasn’t garnered the attention it deserves.

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