Paris Hilton & Rick Salomon: A Photo Essay

When C-Listers CopulateI tried, I really did. I promised you dear readers that I wasn’t going to do it. Well curiosity got the best of me (that and the need for some sort of blog entry) so I sat down and watched the Paris Hilton three minute preview. I won’t attempt a critique, the ladies have said plenty enough for all of us. As usual Rob took the free publicity and spun it into his own brand of humor. I envy the shrewd net savvy of Mr. Perry who like Paul seemed to be all over the story from the start.

The thing that alarms me is night vision video becoming the next big thing. I’m not really interested in seeing anyone no matter how cute or ugly washed over in a green hue. A little searching around the `net and it didn’t take long for me to find some other pics of those looking to be the next girl behind the green door. Wake up America, amateur porn was not meant to be recorded in infrared.

With anticipation brewing over the second Paris Hilton sex video (which is rumored to feature a Playboy playmate), I thought it best to dig up some of the back story surrounding the first video.

It took several days of research, but in the style of Tony Pierce here’s my first ever photo essay on the subject NSFW.

Movie Review – Once Upon A Time In Mexico

Johnny Depp steals another performance!The Plot – Antonio Banderas returns as El Mariachi, the nameless guitar wielding folk hero who challenged the Mexican cartels. In this follow-up to Desperado, a corrupt CIA agent named Sands (played by Johnny Depp) brings El (as he is called by the people) out of hiding in a plot to infiltrate a drug cartel and assassinate the president of Mexico. El agrees, but only so he can exact his own brand of revenge.

The Review – This one is tough. Taking note from the Rambo movies, it follows that a hero cannot be violent without first having lost everything. The overall pace of the movie is slow in comparison to Desperado. There are no surprises in the plot so watching the film is really just a matter of being patient while the scenes play out. Much of El’s history is told in flashback throughout the film, but you get the gist of things immediately.

The cinematography is well done and the action scenes are as violent as they are explosive. The downside of this movie is the effort spent on making it a whodunit with a number of plot twists. While the flashbacks add to the overall drama of El’s personal demons the subplots involving Sands, a female Federali, a retired FBI agent and the cartel’s enforcer seem too ambitious for an action picture. I found the added pieces did little to add depth to the film, although I wouldn’t be surprised if Depp’s character were somehow spun off into a separate franchise. (I found it interesting that Sands used the word “Savvy” in the same context as Captain Jack Sparrow. I wonder if that was Depp’s idea?)

Fans of the El Mariachi series shouldn’t be too disappointed and the movie is definitely worth a rental to checkout Depp’s performance.

Grade: B-/C+ (I was feeling schizophrenic when I wrote this)

Interesting tidbit about Robert Rodriguez, the man who shot, chopped & scored the films.

recap: nip/tuck episode 5

I’m turning Japanese, yes I’m turning Japanese I really think soSorry for the late posting, but this was one of the entries lost during the break-in. I’ve done my best to rewrite from memory.

Last week on Nip/Tuck… Christian discovers the competition while test driving a Lamborghini, Sean feels icky about the new porn star clientele, Matt adds “fluffer” to his list of vocabulary words along with “NGU” & “chlamydia“ we learn that while Sean doesn’t have the moves to “back that ass up” he’s certainly gentle & caring when it comes to the transgender community. Christian channels guilt into a brand new car while Sean decides to pass on porn & free sex.

OK, so what’s left to do after attending a porn party? Apparently a visit to Sexaholics Anonymous. Last night’s episode kicked off a close-up of Sean consulting with a new patient. Patient exclaims “Turn me Japanese! Will you turn me Japanese? I’m really cra-zy…” Well, maybe he doesn’t think he’s nutso, but Sean & Christian give him the once over. Apparently, the patient has found true love and she’s asked him to alter his gaijin appearance to look more like her Japanese ancestors. This is the only option available to fool her parents who must approve of him before he can get suckie-suckie. Would anyone else volunteer for mutilating their face? Yeah, I didn’t think it sounded like true love either.

Jump to Julia discovering she’s pregnant. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to Christian at the club with his boys scopin’ the nightlife (who knew Christian had any pals aside from Sean?). The usual debate over single vs. married ensues peppered with references to blowjobs and the variations of international head (apparently Germany gets high marks). His posse looks on in amazement as Christian picks another winner to play with his hobby horse.

Cut to next day, Julia’s getting an exam back. Watch her cringe as teacher mentions “Look who’s been studying.” Pissed off she storms out of class followed by her would be suitor doing his best Patrick Dempsey impression. “We should go to this great mid-east restaurant, they’ve got the Kama Sutra playing in the background.” to which Julia replies in vaguest possible way, but I won’t be here next term.

Cut to Sean & Christian preparing to do a tattoo laser removal. (Mind you while I have a full back tattoo, I do not have anybody’s name stamped on my butt) More philosophy about love and what is behaviorally acceptable. Grace requests help with a consult and Sean points out that Christian better be nicer to her to which he replies “She isn’t dead yet right?”

Cut to a consult with former 90210 star Gabrielle Carteris (you know Andrea) who finally decided to get her nose done. Well, maybe her head smashing into her steering wheel had something to do with it, but hey better late than never. Throw in some bickering between Christian & Grace and you get the gist of the scene.

Cut to the new patients walking out and Christian starts scolding Grace for not doing a proper consult before he stepped out of surgery. Conversation comes to a brief halt so Christian can checkout the fine booty that is attached to a young lady watering office plants, followed by Grace pointing out that hickeys are best left covered in the office, followed by Grace shaking her money maker for Christian as she struts off to her office.

Cut to dinner at the McNamara house. Sean gives Julia dead flowers (it’s a joke really) followed by vague dialogue about acorns & oak trees, A’s vs. A minuses and “Guess what I’m pregnant you jerk.” Sean once again looks baffled and confused.

Cut to morning surgery, ethics discussion about Japanese oppression, Sean gives Christian the “good” news about the pregnancy. Sean’s not sure what he thinks and as usual asks Christian to help him make the decision. Christian tells him “Seeing as how I really want Julia all for myself, I can’t answer that for you.” (No, he really doesn’t say that, out loud, but you can tell that’s what he’s thinking). Cue The Cardigans music and while the docs whittle away at the gaijin’s face “Love me, Love me… say that you love me.” is heard in the background.

*music still playing* “Fool me fool me… go no and fool me” Watch as Grace goes into Christian’s office to see him getting jiggy with the plant lady on the top of his desk. (Imagine legs in the air, Christian smiling at Grace… too funny)

Cut to Grace and Christian making quips back & forth in the breakroom:

“Surprised you don’t have a special coffee girl for that.”

“No, I like Jasmine she has the ability to make things grow.”

“I think you’re pissed because I busted up your boys club, better yet you have a sex problem and I think you should go to this meeting.”

“Gee Grace, that’s nice. Maybe if you had your own orgasm once in a while, you wouldn’t have to live through mine.”

*cue commercial break*

Cut to bedroom, Sean wants to have the baby, Julia doesn’t know if she can do it again. Sean is his delusional state says “But dear, a baby would fix all our problems, a baby equals marital bliss.” Julia thinks he’s full of shit, but then he agrees that he’ll take time away from work for the baby and she can still goto school. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to the creepiest scene of the evening. Christian is out trolling again and is propositioned by an old (and I do mean OLD) client. Apparently, she was once a looker and bartered for surgery enhancements. Christian points out her currency isn’t any good anymore to which this whacko offers up her 17yr old daughter as payment. “Ever do a mother & daughter? You can have us both Christian, I know how you like it… I’ll show her for you.” Yuck.

Cut to Christian skipping out and moving on to the sexaholics meeting. Christian isn’t impressed. Gets the speech from the headmistress running the show. “I understand if you want to leave, I know I did my first time here, but I’m 8 months celibate and never felt better. Here’s my number call me if you want a sponsor.” In true Christian form, he calls her as he’s walking out “Yeah I need a sponsor (and a good lay).”

Cut to Christian’s bedroom, headmistress is freaking out on the bed. “I slept with a plastic surgeon, 8 months of work gone, I’m such a horrible person, O my low self-esteem.” To which Christian tells her to 12 step her way out of his apartment.

Cut to next morning surgery, Christian realizes that Gabrielle Carteris (remember Andrea 90210) has had previous plastic surgery and assumes her husband is beating the crap out of her. Sean & Julia discover there’s a problem with the pregnancy and Julia will have to drop out of school and be bedridden for seven months.

Cut to McNamara house. Julia gets some takeout. Sean looks confused as always, and why is it that Matt has to be the mature one? Matt drills his mom about the baby, it’s obvious she doesn’t want it so why have another excuse to missout on school. (At this point Julia should have said “Oh yeah? Well, at least I didn’t almost cut off my penis!” but she doesn’t, instead she just sits there a mixed look of pride & guilt)

Cut to Christian & Grace finding out just how crazy to people in love can be as Gabrielle begged her husband to break her nose with a hammer (loved the flashbacks on that one).

Cut to Julia taking her midterm exams, then feinting after class.

Cut to Grace & Christian at the bar. She’s just been stood up, Christian offers and O-so sincere apology for riding her so hard at the office. They wax poetic about the boundaries of love and what extremes people go to then we cut to Christian riding Grace hard at his place (shame on you if you didn’t see that coming).

Cut to Christian giving his final grunts, Grace rolling out of bed and leaving without so much as a return glance.

The episode ends with Julia & Sean arguing about the miscarriage (shame again if you didn’t guess that one). Sean blames her for not wanting the baby, Julia’s pissed because he won’t acknowledge it as having been a quick fix, just another distraction from their real problems.

The Good: Grace walking in on Christian screwing the plant lady, that was a classic. The dialogue exchanges between Christian and almost every female in this episode. His lines were priceless.

The Bad: OK, I generally understand “Viewer Discretion” to mean mature content, but for God’s sake if I’m going to see Christian’s butt three times per episode at least balance that out with some semi-nude females. It’s getting to the point where I know what religion Christian is and that is just a little TMI for this guy.

Episode Rating: B+

Movie Review – S.W.A.T.

She’s one tough chickThe Plot – Collin Farrell is Jim Street, once the top of a local S.W.A.T. team demoted to office duty in “The Cage” as an inventory clerk due to the actions of his former partner Brian Gamble. Street gets his second chance when he’s recruited by Hondo (played by Samuel Jackson) a S.W.A.T. legend who’s been tasked with putting together a top rated team. Shortly after the team is assembled & trained they’re tasked with their first mission. They must transfer a notorious drug czar to the Feds. That wouldn’t be so difficult if the city wasn’t driven into chaos by the kingpin’s offering of $100 million to the person who can set him free. Amidst the car chases and gun battles, the S.W.A.T. team quickly learns the influence of money and that anybody can be bought for the right price.

The Review – I’m always excited to see new films as sequels, remakes and the like have certain expectations you can’t escape. S.W.A.T. succeeds as a high energy action flick. The film kicks off with a bank robbery gone bad and while it downshifts immediately to subplots and character background once we meet the new recruits it’s non-stop chase the bad guy.

The cast choices were a good fit for this film. Collin Farrell is one lucky SOB, first he’s cast with Al Pacino and now Samuel Jackson. It’s nice to see LL Cool J get thrown more lines than usual as he could use a step up from the supporting cast role. Mich3lle Rodriguez will forever be typecast it seems, but I’m all about tough chicks.

<off topic> – Speaking of tough chicks, it was nice to see Ashley Scott for a brief moment. I was hoping Birds of Prey would find better writers so I had my Buffy replacement for the Fall season.</off topic>

The only downside to this film is its predictability. Action film yes, suspense film no. If you’re someone who will be easily disappointed because you know everything that’s going to happen in the first 20 minutes then you might hesitate a little. For me, this film succeeds as the dialogue fits the characters, the characters are interesting enough to move the plot along and generally speaking heroes have more appeal when they are flawed.

Grade: A (Next to Pirates of the Caribbean this is the second best film of the summer)

The Morning Brief

OK, somebody better get the AC in the graphics lab fixed. I woke up this morning to 88?F outside only to arrive in class where it’s 57?F. Guys are not meant to have perky nipples, despite what Martin Lawrence might have you think. Cripes it’s cold enough to make John Holmes look like Pee-Wee Herman. “It’s so cold that if I took a piss, I’d have to snap it off after I’m done.” Of course, I shouldn’t complain. Back in Detroit “it was so cold that when I woke up in the morning I found a wee ice cube in my bed. I threw it in the fire and it went : FART!!! But enough Bill Connolly? jokes there’s an entry in here somewhere.

It seems that RIAA still doesn’t have a clue. It’s not that I advocate pirating music from musicians & songwriters, but I believe the RIAA only has ITS interests in mind NOT the best interests of the artists they represent. I’ve said it many times before, the music business turned into the business of music a long time ago. I don’t agree that Napster, Kazaa & other peer-to-peer programs are the sole reason CD sales have declined. It’s crappy albums, one hit wonders and the same garbage recycled every hour on the hour via Clear Channel radio stations. As Kristen said It’s about time that we all turned off the radio.” [no permalink, entry dated July 12th] So while the RIAA attempts to bully folks into submission remember that you should fight for fair use copyrights and it’s about getting monies into the artist’s hand NOT some greedy corporation.

In keeping up with the latest blog trend I will refer you dear readers to MY MP3 page. You should note that the songs herein are originals performed by my sister Lesli or my buddy Ron (who had yours truly as his awesome keyboard player). Check them out if you haven’t already. I’ve posted some QuickTime clips of my sister’s band as well.

UPDATEBetter pay attention the King of Pop has something to add.

Shout out to Erik who asked for a link exchange | Found Kimbalina’s site via Orby Online | Three times the fun