And yet I am seemingly stuck in limbo unable to move forward. There was a time when I simply would have made the “sick” phone call and skipped work knowing full well when I woke up that it was not going to be a good day.

Knowing it’s not going to be a good day is not the same thing as waking up in a shitty mood. My mood was fine, clouded in an enormous head cold, but okay. Stubbing my toe when I stepped out of bed was just a small indication of the events to come.

Dragging in my comatose state I headed out late for work. Actually, I probably would have come in under the buzzer if not for the fender-bender I had getting onto the highway. Not a big deal, no damage or injury thank goodness, but I await the letter that will surely arrive in the next few weeks that claims thousands of $$$ in vehicular damage.

All this before 8am.

Stopped at home for lunch to pick up packages that needed to be mailed and discovered the electricity was shut off. Called the power company, was on hold for 45 minutes – the exact amount of time I spent waiting at the post office. Turns out they received my payment (I knew this because I verified the bank withdrawal), BUT they didn’t post the amount right away. So with the disconnect comes a $200 reconnect fee PLUS $100 if I wanted the power on today. Well YEAH, I wanted the power on right away. I paid the fees, called Michelle to give her a heads up and hoped the day would end soon.

Soon hasn’t arrived yet. After work I called the power company as the electricity still hadn’t been turned on. I was told earlier that we’d be good by 5pm, a second discussion moved the timetable to before midnight.

I’m up at school. Michelle’s home sitting in the dark with wet hair after taking a cold shower (which probably was reserved for me). Thank goodness the apartment temperature shot up and the humidity will dry her hair quick.

In the meantime, I’m still up here at class until 11:30pm. I’ll get home about midnight and hope the power is on. If not, the cold shower waiting for me will be the most pleasant part of tomorrow…

Mr. McGee has your sunshine right here | Mr. Perry may be the “Angel of Death“ but Rob knows I wrote the definition of EVIL

Once again, I’ve chosen to step on the shoulders of someone else’s creativity as inspiration for today’s post. Actually today’s entry is nothing more than several jokes strung together, but it was Mr. Perry who gave me the idea to joke about cops & traffic violations. So without any further introduction…

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

“All right then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m drunk.”

====

Two men are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and “WHACK”, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, “What the hell was that for?”

The trooper says, “You’re in Texas, son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car.”

The driver says, “I’m sorry, officer, I’m not from around here.”

The trooper runs a check on the guy’s license, and he’s clean. He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and “WHACK”, the trooper smacks him with the nightstick, too.

The passenger says, “What’d you do that for?”

The trooper says, “Just making your wish come true.”

The passenger says, “Huh?”

The trooper says, “I know that two miles down the road you’re gonna say ’I wish that jerk would’ve tried that crap with me.’”

====
Teach `em young.
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem — a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.” The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full of change.

Has anyone tried this?
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo — of handcuffs.

Tips for the ladies.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, “I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen’s Ball.” He replied, “Highway patrolmen don’t have balls.” There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he’d just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.

A punchline I have actually used to get out of a ticket.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The guy replied, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were him and you were trying to give her back to me!”

I’ve been known to leave a comment or two when someone else spouts off about sex, dating & relationships so I figured “Hey!” that’s a perfect Monday afternoon topic. Actually I caught a tidbit on the radio this morning and after a bit of yelling at the DJ, I thought I’d exacerbate here… err… wrong choice of word.

Anyway, people ask me all the time “Why is such a lovely J-Lo lookin’ senorita with an average blogger geek like you?” (OK, they don’t ask, but I sure do get a lot of stares). I could elaborate on my tales of seduction, but the “Monkey See, Monkey Do” approach works best on cars not people. Here’s my best shot at a guideline for successful coupling:

1. Who are you?
Simple enough question, but how many people invest a lot of time trying to be something they’re not just to impress others? All the pickup lines, notables quotes, etc., make great icebreakers, but they’re just surface level tricks. When you run out of textbook ideas what are you left with? Best be comfortable with yourself before you work up the nerve to get comfortable with other people. Find a hobby, do some reading, get ahead on all that navel gazing.

2. You don’t have to get laid tonight.
Too many people put unnecessary pressure on themselves to get the girl or be in the relationship. Amidst all that rejection what they’re really missing out on is the chance to interact with other people. How many times has someone told you “Things will come to you when you don’t go looking for them.” Go about your business and don’t try to force situations so much.

3. Confidence is sexy.
How many people have been single only to get all kinds of play once they’re knee deep in a relationship? It’s simple, you carry yourself differently when you’re in a relationship and frankly when you’re single everybody knows it. Note, confidence should not be confused with arrogance. Nobody cares to hear you spout off about how great you are compared to other schmoes. Confidence can be as simple as not averting your eyes during conversation and that mumbling under your breath thing is the first habit you should break.

4. But I’m shy.
OK, so the confidence rule is all good, but what if you’re fighting a bout of extreme shyness. Let me tell you, been there. If you’ve got past #1 and you find yourself freezing up whenever you’re in public places then maybe you need to start small. Having a wingman (or woman) helps, but if you’re forced to fly solo try finding a social setting that fits your strengths. Be it a book club, cars, quilting, there’s bound to be some sort of social club to go with whatever hobby you call yours. I will say that overcoming the shyness thing takes practice, practice and more practice. The more you put yourself in public situations the less overwhelming they will become.

5. OK, I got the girl (guy) now what?
Congrats, you’ve earned unsolicited free sex and the right to exude “cute” behavior that’s sure to make all those around you puke at the very sight of you. The “honeymoon period” varies from couple to couple and it’s at this point a lot of folks are left scratching their head. Developing a relationship requires honesty to establish trust and mutual respect.

6. Every relationship is a work in progress.
There is no one-shot formula for success. Every relationship you have in your lifetime will be different from the one before it and any after it. What you really liked about one person may be a non-existent trait in another. Your tastes will change, YOU will change. Those that know me have heard my mantra – any relationship is about two individuals coming together to share common experiences and set mutual goals.

I probably should incubate this entry and proof the draft before posting… nah… we’ll consider this an ever-expanding text.

*crickets chirping*