Paris Hilton & Rick Salomon: A Photo Essay

When C-Listers CopulateI tried, I really did. I promised you dear readers that I wasn’t going to do it. Well curiosity got the best of me (that and the need for some sort of blog entry) so I sat down and watched the Paris Hilton three minute preview. I won’t attempt a critique, the ladies have said plenty enough for all of us. As usual Rob took the free publicity and spun it into his own brand of humor. I envy the shrewd net savvy of Mr. Perry who like Paul seemed to be all over the story from the start.

The thing that alarms me is night vision video becoming the next big thing. I’m not really interested in seeing anyone no matter how cute or ugly washed over in a green hue. A little searching around the `net and it didn’t take long for me to find some other pics of those looking to be the next girl behind the green door. Wake up America, amateur porn was not meant to be recorded in infrared.

With anticipation brewing over the second Paris Hilton sex video (which is rumored to feature a Playboy playmate), I thought it best to dig up some of the back story surrounding the first video.

It took several days of research, but in the style of Tony Pierce here’s my first ever photo essay on the subject NSFW.

Movie Review – The Matrix Revolutions

You’d need a good punch to the face too after seeing this film.The Plot – When we last left Neo & company, he was in a bit of a coma following the rather unique display of power outside the Matrix. The Matrix Revolutions continues from that point with Morpheus & Trinity aboard “The Hammer” one of the few ships that survived an ambush from within the Zion fleet. While planning on how they will return to Zion the crew comes across Niobe’s ship which thankfully is only in need of minor repairs. It’s discovered that somehow Neo has been able to plug into the Matrix without any external equipment and after a brief recovery op, Neo tells everyone that he must make the journey to the heart of the machine city. Niobe volunteers her ship and with Trinity at his side the two crews go there separate ways.

Will Neo complete the tasks necessary to save Zion before the machines reach the heart of the city? Read on to see if you’ll even care…

The Review – Looking around the blogosphere there was quite the rush to see this film… I kid, I kid. Watching The Matrix trilogy is like seeing a great magic trick and then being told how it’s done immediately after. As groundbreaking as the first film was, the illusion was completely dispelled by the inept storytelling and reused ideas in the two sequels. It’s not that there are a lot of plot holes, but it felt like new ideas kept being introduced for the sake of having a new idea. Like a little kid who’s caught in a lie, the rambling continues on incoherently in hopes that eventually what’s being said will come together.

The climax of the movie is yet another kung-fu fight. But wait it’s not exactly like the first fight between Mr. Smith & Neo, there’s FLYING involved. Apparently the dramatic control Neo gained over the Matrix only allowed him to simulate ONE of Superman’s powers. Of course, he now has that freaky Matrix vision whenever he’s not plugged in.

Frankly, when it was all over, I really didn’t care. In fact, I found myself scratching my head wondering what really was so horrible about the Matrix? If it was a choice of living under the illusion of a world where I had a 9-5 job, friends, beer & regular nookie, why in sam hell would I want to know it was all a lie? Thanks for yanking my ass out so I can spend the rest of my adult life underground without online porn. It’s no wonder Cypher ended up a traitor, I know I’d kill for a good steak after a hard day’s work.

I know what you’re thinking – you really didn’t point out any specific details in this review. You are correct dear reader, that’s exactly the kind of impression the film left on me.

Grade: D (I am sooooooo looking forward to the final chapter of the Lord of the Rings trilogy)

Movie Review – Shogun Assassin

You want gore, you got goreThe Plot – A loyal samurai, Itto Ogami serves as the Shogun’s official decapitator and leader of his royal armies. The burden of such a position and the stress it causes is washed away every evening when Ogami returns home to his wife & son. As the years pass the Shogun is rumored to have gone mad and his once peaceful reign becomes a paranoid & bloodthirsty campaign. Ever watchful of his enemies, the Shogun’s eyes turn to Ogami. Although a loyal samurai, Ogami is the one man that doesn’t fear the Shogun and this angers him. To teach the samurai humility the Shogun sends ninja to kill Ogami’s wife & son. Their mission is only partly successful and as his wife dies in his arms Ogami swears vengeance on the Shogun and all who align themselves with him. From this moment forward he is no longer Itto Ogami… He is now the “Lone Wolf” – Assassin with son.

The Review – After seeing Kill Bill last weekend, I was reminded of this movie which I first saw with my father back in the early 80’s. Shogun Assassin is actually an Americanized version of the Lone Wolf movies series. This 80’s film splices together the first two Japanese films to create one kung-fu slasher epic. I have not seen the original series, but this version stands up fairly well on its own. I sat down to rewatch the film and while it doesn’t have Kill Bill’s cinematographic flash, there were definitely some great moments.

One of the things that makes this movie work is the narration as told by Ogami’s son Daigoro. Having a gruesome tale repeated by a child creates even more impact when you witness the events onscreen. Throughout the film Ogami hardly ever speaks and his brooding silence is offset by Daigoro’s animated curiosity. I marveled at the similarities in sword play between “The Bride” in Kill Bill and the “Lone Wolf”. I’d be willing to bet Tarantino saw Shogun Assassin at some point as the sword flick Uma uses to whisk the blood of her sword resembled Ogami’s technique. The fight scenes were as graphic (if not a little 80’s cheese) as they were in Kill Bill. You’ll see the same number of limbs severed, tomato red blood spurting and probably a few close-ups Tarantino didn’t get to use in his movie.

I can’t forget to mention the baby cart. Not just a traveling piece, the cart has spring loaded blades and detachable swords which Ogami uses in the movie. In fact, Daigoro is purposely put in harms way armed only with this baby cart. You’ll also see plenty of badass female ninja. In one scene entitled “The Interview” the leader of the Shogun’s ninja clan makes the mistake of questioning the ability of his female counterparts. I won’t give anything away, but it becomes quickly apparent the ladies have no problem cutting down the competition.

You’ll be hard pressed to find a quality copy of this film. While I own a it on DVD there are a lot of defects which lead me to believe the master reels were lost a long time ago. Still it’s worth noting the cinematography which stands out given the decade of the film. Like any good film there are little nuances that slip past you the first time you watch it. In one such scene Daigoro is captured and suspended above a well. There’s hardly any dialogue just a moment where Daigoro kicks off his shoe and lets it drop. Seconds after the shoes splashes, Ogami bursts into action killing all the ninja. It hadn’t occurred to me until I watched the film again that Ogami uses the shoe falling to time the distance of the well. The scene is a powerful one, but very subtle in its delivery.

Well, needless to say I’m a fan of the film, but where does that leave the average viewer? Like Kill Bill, I think this film is appreciated by a certain audience. If you’re a kung-fu buff or want to get an idea of where some of Kill Bill’s inspiration may have come from or you simply want to be amazed by a samurai that fights with a child strapped to his back then this movie is for you.

Grade: A-/B+ (The movie targets a very specific audience and I’d be happier if I could find a quality DVD copy)

Movie Review – Kill Bill

I Loved This Movie!!!The Plot – Ambushed on her wedding day, the assassin once known as Black Mamba is betrayed by the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad headed by Bill. Severely beaten “The Bride” barely mutters to Bill the baby is his before he shoots her in the head.

The story picks up four years later as “The Bride” goes on her quest for revenge. Those that betrayed her will die starting with O-Ren Ishii (Cottonmouth), then Vernita Green (Copperhead), Budd (Sidewinder) would be next while particular attention would be paid to Elle Driver (California Mountain Snake) and last would be Bill.

Kill Bill is a revenge movie plain & simple… or is it?

The Review – By now a lot of folks may have already seen the movie or at least heard that it’s classic Tarantino and violently bloody x 100. Mr. McGee does an excellent job talking about the morality of this film and noting the nods given to previous Tarantino flicks (I thought I was the only one who noticed the “Red Apple” cigarettes). Mr. Perry points out one of the most appealing aspects of a Tarantino film – the soundtrack. As a former musician, I would agree that nobody can weave music into films so well.

Rather than post redundant kudos about the film I wanted to focus on some items only a martial arts film enthusiast like myself might know (Mr. Perry caught the Game of Death tribute). Everyone touched on the level of violence in the film and much has been made about limbs being severed and the very graphic blood spattering scenes. I can’t help but think those scenes were inspired by the movie Shogun Assassin which came out around 1980 and was banned from theatres. Also a revenge film, that movie portrayed a fallen Samurai “Lone Wolf” who traveled the countryside with his son exacting revenge on the Shogun lord who ordered his family killed. If you loved Kill Bill I highly recommend you try and watch this film. (I’ll probably watch it again this weekend just to see if Kill Bill had more gore).

Did anyone else get excited when they saw the names Sonny Chiba (he plays Hattori Hanzo) & Gordon Liu (he plays Johnny Mo) show up in the beginning credits? They were the recurring heroes when I was a kid watching “Kung Fu Theatre” with my mom after Saturday Night Live. Detroit natives might remember when radio DJ Jim Harper dressed up as Charlie Rum to host some of the best chop-sockey flicks that never starred Jackie Chan or Bruce Lee. There was the infamous Street Fighter series starring Sonny Chiba and Gordon Liu did a number of Shaolin themed films most notably Master Killer and The 36 Chambers.

I was very impressed with the fight choreography in this film. While you can argue the level of gore was probably outrageous, what struck me is the fights themselves were more fluid. Unlike the Matrix series, the fight scenes weren’t so polished that they came across as stiff & robotic. Without the wirework Keanu Reeves looked like he was pulling off an elaborate dance routine while Uma Thurman takes it on the chin several times. As Mr. McGee points out there’s nothing superhuman about Uma’s character other than her strength of will.

All in all I thoroughly enjoyed Kill Bill. For me it was a nod to all the kung fu flicks of my youth and another stellar epic by Quentin Tarantino. Chad’s probably right though – it’s not a film for everybody. Me? I’ll eagerly be anticipating Volume 2 next year.

Grade: A+++ (Rick was right, this was exactly my kind of movie)

You Want The Best, You Got The Best…

Heh, it’s nice to know that the e-mails I get from readers are all the things I’m not doing on the website. Where’s the Nip/Tuck recaps? How come you haven’t reviewed The Rundown or School of Rock yet?

Well blog fans, this weekend I didn’t get to do any of those things because Michelle & I were in San Antonio watching Aerosmith & KISS in concert. CAN YOU SAY THE MOST AWESOME F#CKIN’ SHOW EVER?!?!???!

The last time I saw Aerosmith & KISS was in Detroit, I think it was `96 or `97. I had the pleasure of catching KISS kick off a reunion tour at Tiger Stadium and I took my best bud Ron to see Aerosmith at The Palace in Auburn Hills. Individually the energy of those performances was amazing and when the opportunity came around to see both bands in one night… well… yours truly is thankful for having so many American Express Rewards points. At $135 a ticket, I was happy that I didn’t have to make any morally questionable decisions on how to raise the cash.

<off topic> – All the concerts attended this year have been due to the outstanding AMEX points program. If you only get yourself one credit card, make sure you get the AMEX. Might not be accepted everywhere, but the credit protection & rewards can’t be beat.</off topic>

San Antonio has become our concert city of choice, specifically outdoor concerts. There is an outdoor venue in Dallas, but it has outlived its usefulness in my opinion. The sound quality, size and seating of the amphitheater in San Antonio can’t be beat. There really isn’t a bad seat in the house and Michelle & I have been fortunate enough to get tickets in the front row of the 200 or 300 sections. Oops, I’m rambling off topic again.

All I can tell you is both bands kicked some serious ass. After seeing them in a large arena setting, this was so much cooler. The energy was contagious, the crowd on their feet all night and there was no doubt why these guys are the best at what they do. Because I wanted to share the moment, I tagged off some pictures which are available here. Not my best work, but you try and take covert photos without getting your equipment confiscated. I managed to record some video too, but dammit all if my mini Olympus camera doesn’t record sound. If I get requests to see that footage I’ll post one or two files later on.

Alright, that’s your lunchtime update. Go check out the concert pics and feel free to leave a comment or two. If you have a large monitor I recommend viewing the pics at the larger size.