by A.J. Wood

An Open Letter To the RIAA & film Industry

I caught several headlines on the CNN website about the RIAA and I have to ask the question “When are you guys going to get a clue?”

I won’t deny that piracy is a legitimate issue, but I think your actions past & present are only helping to proliferate the problem. Shaking down 12yr olds for $2k will only increase the animosity felt by consumers and you can copy protect CDs all you want that won’t boost your sales either.

Back in high school I remember my sister taught me the art of making mix tapes. (Any DJ will tell you the wrong song will clear the dance floor or completely ruin the vibe of a tape). With all the hoopla the RIAA is spinning I haven’t read too much on the opposing side about preserving fair use copyrights. I certainly don’t want entertainment media to become like software where if I own three computers Bill “You Will Be Assimilated” Gates says I have to license three copies of Windows XP for $100 a pop. If I’m forced to buy one CD for my house, and another copy for my car and a third copy for my Discman then I’ll jump on the peer-to-peer bandwagon. Because inevitably after purchasing a CD you may be inclined to make your own remixes. I know for long road trips I want to have an overall mix of Rock, Metal & Hip-Hop. Record companies don’t sign songwriters or musicians anymore, they churn out homogenized automatons programmed from piles of market research data. If fair use copyrights are going away and copy protection is the future, consumers will expect a full return policy for your crappy products.

I stand by what I said earlier, if other industries have to cut costs by downsizing employees and slashing wages how come the entertainment industry doesn’t tighten it’s belt a little? Since 2000 I’ve seen the average salary in the IT industry reduced by almost 30%. Maybe that’s why nobody’s buying your f#ckin’ CDs, middle-class two income families can barely get by. A lot of folks have seen their annual raises reduced or even put on hold because of the economy. I want to see Jim Carrey settle for $1 million dollars a film instead of $20 million. It would be nice to read an entertainment story where the cast of Friends had to take a $500k per episode pay cut due to budget constraints.

I don’t have any easy answers for you. If I did I’d charge you $20 million dollars then hold out for two months while I renegotiated a better rate.

in Editorial / News 2 comments
 by A.J. Wood

The Top Reasons Women Are Like Cats

I was wondering how I might get Acidman to read an entry about cats, but then Ryan (The Ward) gave me some inspiration. Earlier today he kicked off an entry about relationships and gave some examples of how women treat men like dogs. In the spirit of that entry here is what I’ve learned about women by observing cats:

1. When walking into a room full of strangers cats know whose lap they will sit in. Women already know who they’re going home with when they walk into a bar.

2. Cats are jealous creatures by nature and even in a multi-cat household a cat will prefer you stroke only one pussy at a time. The cat determines how long each stroking session should last and once they are no longer in the mood the session is over – period. If woman decides to invite you to a multi-partner extravaganza keep in mind it’s all about the ladies. “Also be sure to take plenty of B vitamins, that shit is exhausting”. (Christian, Nip/Tuck)

3. Cats have problems with misdirected aggression. It’s not unusual for your cat to attack you after seeing another cat walk by the window outside your home. They are unable to focus their aggression on the outside cat who they perceive as violating their territory hence the unexpected pouncing. When walking with your woman in public she may have the tendency to smack you upside the head if you’re looking at another woman.

4. Once you bring a cat into your home everything that’s yours also belongs to the cat. Don’t expect to share anything that’s already owned by the cat. When you finally decide to cohabitate with your girlfriend your things quickly will become “our” things and anything of yours that is not appropriately marked by said girlfriend will be boxed or thrown away. More specifically, just because you paid half of the grocery bill does not mean you get to drink one of her yogurt smoothies.

5. After living with a cat for a while you will discover that whenever you are busy the cat will want your attention, but the moment you want to stroke your pussy it will be asleep, hiding, half-baked on catnip or especially not in the mood. A woman will ignore you from the moment you arrive home up until you turn on the television set to watch Monday Night Football then she’ll insist on telling you about her day. Any responses shouted during commercial will be ignored as will your sexual advances later that evening.

6. When it comes to getting your attention cats don’t distinguish between good behavior or bad behavior, but simply the fact that you are focused on them. To a cat rubbing on your leg and scratching your leather couch accomplish the same thing – your undivided attention. Women will also dictate when they want your attention in the form of a kiss (positive) or by setting fire to your DVD collection (negative).

7. Cats pride themselves on their independence. Hence, they’re not easily trained, they don’t do tricks, they don’t come when you call, they prefer to stay out all night, and when they’re home they like to be left alone to sleep. Women admire these qualities about cats and aspire to show you their grrl-power. It should be noted that this fiery independence so admired by women is quickly detested when present in a man.

Alrighty, that’s my list for now. I’ll be kickin’ around more reasons why women are like cats to update this entry. Men are like dogs, women are like cats.

in Editorial 12 comments
 by A.J. Wood

You vs. The Short Bus

It was my intention to post this rant yesterday, but lately I have been unable to dump concept/thought to keyboard. In my head I know what is it I want to say, but somehow the translation/context comes out completely different as I read over my entry.

Anyway, back to yesterday. During the usual morning jaunt to school the transmission blew in my car leaving me stranded on the highway. I suppose I could have shook clenched fists at the sky and screamed “Why O why have you forsaken me Lord?” but I saw the answer sprawled on the bumper sticker of some yuppie’s Lexus – All God’s Blessings Are For John Wayne. Apparently, I forgot to walk the dogma again…

Ryan would say I was just handed a ticket on the short bus, but after my knee-jerk reaction of getting pissed, all I could do was laugh. There was nothing at that moment I could do to improve my condition except call for a tow truck. My class wasn’t going to be put on hold because I wasn’t there, my assignments would still be due regardless of my attendance and I had no control whether the instructor would show any compassion for my circumstances. Before I got caught up thinking “How the hell will I get to work tomorrow?” I took a moment to realize the car dying in Dallas was a helluva lot better than the car dying over the weekend while Michelle & I were in Corpus Christi. Better yet, I was happy the rain had just stopped as I was leaving my apartment. Sometimes happiness comes in the finest of degrees and perception is reality.

My experience yesterday doesn’t make me any different or any more the same as the next person. Everybody has suffered through a bad day, it’s just some of us get all of ours lumped together in succession. I’ve been beat up, stepped on, turned down, laughed at, pissed on, stabbed, shot at, rejected, loved less, loved no more, passed over, come in second, chosen last and never measured up. I’ve survived bankruptcy, lasik surgery, ex-girlfriends, one night stands, fraternities, business ventures, lawsuits, identity theft and any number of bad decisions which I take full responsibility for and I don’t regret the experiences.

I won’t deny there are moments when I feel singled out by all the crap that I’m experiencing. Random badness soon weaves itself into a pattern and it’s only natural to attempt some form of rationalization. Some folks get by believing everything happens for a reason, others simply roll with life’s challenges. Personally, I’m just stubborn and I’m here before you today by sheer force of will. I refuse to play the victim when it comes to circumstance and while those close to me will attest I exaggerate problems or bitch loud when I pitch a fit, nobody can deny that through it all I manage to get things done. And that’s all I can suggest for anybody else – define your experiences, don’t let them define you.

Alrighty, that’s about all I can type during my lunch break. Will be headed to class after I get out of work and I’m still figuring out how the website will mix into all this. Nip/Tuck recap is still in the works, if I can post it from school later I will do so.

in Editorial / Motivation 3 comments
 by A.J. Wood

Linky Linky

Not much time to prattle off this morning as I’m hoping to haggle down my class time so I can get errands done before Michelle & I leave town. Yup, it’s another weekend in Corpus Christi. Actually, this will probably be the last weekend for me until Thanksgiving given the new schedule.

Acidman sums up the Ten Commandments fiasco just fine by me. I’m a man of faith, but I believe wholeheartedly in the Separation of Church & State. The U.S. government should not be seen as endorsing one religion over another. While I would agree too much emphasis (positive & negative) is being placed on a symbol the fact remains the folks praying for the monument to stay would also be protesting if that symbol represented Islam, Buddhism or any non-Christian religion.

Maybe our society is too smart to fall under any religious dogma, but then I look at other cultures that still subjugate their people to traditions that no longer hold any merit in this day & age. Of course, there are those that insist on protecting us from ourselves. What the dumb bastards at Zippo failed to realize is a high percentage of folks didn’t even know about zippotricks.com until they made such a stink about it.

I mean Carmen Electra is too busy thinking about sex to be concerned about safety hazards. Arnold Schwarzenegger had groupies just like her back in the 70’s. At least that’s what he told Oui magazine (that’s old school porn for all you young ones). Arnold was quite the stud back then, now he’s dependent on Maria and his lucky socks. (MP3 2.2MB download)

You know it’s a bad day when you visit the doctor for an earache and end up getting your penis worked on. Acidman would probably say that dude was screwed. That story made me think of this joke:

Two women are playing golf on a sunny afternoon when one of them slices her shot into a foursome of men.
To her horror, one of the men collapses in agony with both hands in his crotch.
She runs to him apologizing profusely, explaining that she is a physical therapist and can help ease his pain.
“No thanks… just give me a few minutes… I’ll be fine…” he replies quietly with his hands still between his legs.
Taking it upon herself to help the poor man, she gently undoes the front of his pants and starts massaging his penis.
“Doesn’t that feel better?” she asks.
“Well… Damn… That feels pretty good,” he admits. “But my thumb still hurts like hell.”

Heh heh heh, sure it’s an old joke, but it’s still damn funny. In closing, I’d like to pass along this advice to any gents looking to make big bucks as a male cabaret star. Don’t ever cut your act short, women take that shit seriously.

in Editorial 1 comments
 by A.J. Wood

recap: nip/tuck episode 6

I’m a bad bad manThe episode kicks off with a consult (a sense of routine is good after all the hoopla last week). Sean inadvertently gets the client’s name wrong and we get to see the flabbiest set of triceps in this hemisphere. Bad jokes about air conditioning aside, this girl needs some help and fast. We learn Ms. Burger is getting the surgery done for the love of her life – Isaac, a man she’s been dating for six(?) months… via the Internet. 143lbs lighter, she needs some quick cosmetic surgery to “make her an honest woman”. For those that need a refresher on what cybersex is like clicky clicky.

Cut to Christian & Sean in the parking garage having yet another conversation about the need to advertise. Christian lets Sean know they’re screwed if they don’t go looking for business to which Sean points out Christian’s car which has been vandalized again. “I assume your car illustrates your point?”

Cut to the next morning, Matt enters the living room where Sean is just waking up.

“What you and Mom are fighting again? Color me surprised.”

“No, we aren’t fighting. I just couldn’t sleep.”

“You can’t sleep because you’re depressed.”

Matt takes on the role of “wise parental figure” and consoles Sean who’s obviously distraught about losing the baby. A bonding moment ensues and we learn Sean would have named the baby “David” if it had been a boy. “My sons – Matt & David.”

Cut to Christian discussing possible vandalism suspects with the police in his office. It seems the top candidate Annette Babcock killed herself (back in Episode 3).

Cut to Christian confronting Grace in the break room.

“It’s was you, you did it.”

“That’s right Christian, I sunk your battleship AND I ate your yogurt.”

“No No No, my car YOUR the reason my car keeps getting vandalized.”

Grace then gives a long winded speech about how a narcissistic child such as Christian has little affect on her, but there are plenty of other ladies that probably have it in for him. Christian realizes she’s not the vandal, but also takes it upon himself to correct Grace about their little swaray. “No orgasm? Please baby those weren’t Kegel exercises you were doing. We both know YOU. WERE. MY. BITCH.”

And Christian & Grace are sexin’ it up in the break room.

Cut to Vanessa (Matt’s ex-girlfriend) getting cozy with Ridley in front of her locker. Ridley freaks out at the PDA (public display of affection). “Aack! You’re such a LITTLE dyke.” Matt oversees the argument walks over to Vanessa to see if she’s okay. “I’ll be okay if you’ll be the meat in our sandwich baby.” It’s at this point I throw the remote at the screen because Matt hesitates too long giving an answer.

Cut to the bedroom with Julia & Sean. He’s depressed, this time it’s because of Annette Babcock. Yet another speech and grueling self-analysis followed by a vulnerable sex moment. Julia is offering the goods again and Sean still sees fit to turn her down. This time is with good reason. Unexpectedly, they have no protection and Sean just can’t handle the thought of losing another baby. His answer “I’ll get a vasectomy.”

Cut to next day Christian & Matt are going out on the boat. Matt wants to inquire about threesomes, but Christian says there are new rules – your mother said so. Matt reminds him they would have nothing to talk about then. Brief discussion about Matt’s maturity level then it’s on to “Orgies For Dummies”.

Rule #1 – It’s all about the ladies.
Rule #2 – It’s all about the ladies.

“And be sure to take plenty of B vitamins, that shit is exhausting.”

Cut to Christian & Sean preparing for surgery. Christian’s rambling on about his boat being vandalized, (oh yeah, I forgot that happened in the previous scene) how he got slipped the stinky finger by some chick in college and Sean’s ignoring him. Sean goes on about being depressed and that he’s planning on having a vasectomy. Christian tells him that’s a bullshit thing to do and how this idea is maybe just as asinine as wanting to keep the baby in the first place. (Of course, Christian said everything but the fact that their marriage is screwed anyhow)

[All the women are screaming at the TV now]

*cue music from Titan Auto Insurance commercial*

Next up a consultation with a breast cancer survivor. Megan O`Hara and her husband Jim are thinking about breast implants (actually Megan hasn’t thought about it, but hey what a pick me up). Jim’s doing all the talking until Megan tells Sean “Honey, it’s okay these are my tits we’re talking about.” Sean notices Jim is very stoic in the conversation.

“Haven’t you cried?”

“Who me?”, says Jim “I’m a pillar of emotional strength.” At this point he breaks down and curses the cancer that ruined HIS life. Uhm… Jim? Megan had the cancer okay?

Cut to Christian speed dialing all his previous conquests. It’s not going very good, apparently his short term memory fizzles the moment he looks up from his black book to DING… please leave a message. He tags Melanie, Penny… err… Jenny then gets a call in from Gina. You remember, everyone’s favorite study-buddy from sexaholics anonymous. Seems she’s still bitter and she left Christian a present in the form of herpes… just kidding, but she’s still bitter. They trade a few barbs, Christian thinks she might have caused the vandalism, Gina tells him to go to hell. HANG UP. Phone rings, it’s Kimbar. You remember from Episode 1, new breasts, new nose, about a 7 or an 8.

Cut to next day, Kimbar’s at a photo shoot. “I told you not to shoot her bad side!” The manager’s barking orders, in walks Christian. “Christian! You’re here!” Kimbar can’t contain her excitement. She just got booked on her first magazine cover. She thanks Christian for his marvelous work and he hesitantly replies “Look at you, you’re an 11 baby.” The reunion is interrupted by Nico her manager/fianc?. “Hey doc, you do great work, you think we need to lift this ass a little?” Christian feeds Kimbar the soul searching story, apologizes for treating her like shit, says she deserves better, a lot better from the looks of her sleazy manager.

And we’re having sex in the shower.

Cut to the next morning Christian’s walking to his car on the phone with Kimbar. He notices Gina by his car (still covered in graffiti). They have a brief exchange of words, he threatens to get a restraining order and Gina reminds Christian that you would need a LAST NAME for that to be effective. More trash talk thrown around followed by Christian slamming Gina up on the car… heh, sorry folks no sex scene here.

Cut to Matt & Vanessa going over the supplies for their lovefest. Vanessa hits Matt with the reality check, “You can never have me the way Ridley does.” No worries, Matt’s just in it for the extra booty or so he wants to believe.

Now we’re watching the prep room where Megan is sampling her breast implants. A brief exchange between her and Sean. I did not realize that breast reconstruction did not include nipples. The graphic nature of this scene might upset a few folks. Megan is touched by Sean’s bedside manner and he reveals that Julia miscarried. SIDE NOTE – Having no personal experience with breast cancer I thought this scene was handled with a respectable degree of sensitivity.

Cut to Nico storming into the practice looking for Christian’s office. Sean is following up with Ms. Burger who seems okay so long as she can fawn over her picture of her dream man Isaac. This interlude is interrupted with the sounds of destruction, cut to Sean witnessing Nico trashing Christian’s office.

Christian arrives just in time to see Nico and a police escort. Sean and Christian exchange words, “Don’t shit where you eat man! Grace doesn’t, I don’t.” Grace quickly excuses herself.

Cut to dinner with Christian & Kimbar.

“I can’t see you, I’m a narcissist and Sean says I shouldn’t shit where I eat.”

“Oh, so I’m shit?!!?!”

“No no, I’m the shit… I’m the shit Kimbar. You should just go. (Oh how I hate Sean right now)”

And we’re watching the orgy… okay, we’re watching three teenagers sip fruit punch nervously while sitting on a bed. Ridley’s not impressed so she decides to start the underwear pile. Reminiscent of The Graduate we see Vanessa’s face full of love & wonder looking up at Ridley while Matt looks dumbfounded. Ridley calls Vanessa over, then tells Matt to get with the undressing. He’s eager to join the nookie, but Vanessa shoots him down, “YOU have to be invited. This is about us.” Matt’s pouting, but Ridley tells him to strip faster and join the party.

Cut to Sean’s office, Megan has cancelled getting breast implants. She feels hopeful, having left her husband. Sean’s surprised, but Megan says that it was at the second consult that Sean made her feel like a woman for the first time in ages. She wants to go for a drink, he offers to walk her to her car. Company policy ya know.

Girls kissing, repeat GIRLS KISSING. Ridley is the meat in the sandwich and Matt’s feeling left out again. Matt gives her a quick tap and she leans over to kiss him. Matt kisses surprisingly well. Vanessa is jealous, Matt is kissing Ridley with his eyes open glaring at Vanessa, “Oh yeah, this is for you bitch, feel my pain.” Vanessa tries to interrupt, but Ridley’s not having it. Vanessa gets out of bed, heartbroken.

Back in the parking garage we see Sean walking with Megan. He wants to thank her and we want to thank him for exploiting his codependence so well. Cut to Christian entering the parking garage in time to see Sean kiss Megan.

Cut to Kimbar’s apartment, Christian knocks and has flowers. It seems that No Dating Patients policy wasn’t really going to be enforced. He wants to try and be a one woman guy and thinks Kimbar’s a good start.

The episode wraps up with romantic music playing while Ms. Burger strolls along a patio looking for her Internet love Isaac. Her arms as shapely as her figure, she’s absolutely glowing up until she sees her love bunny who’s actually the size of a elephant.

The Good: Girls kissing… I kid, I kid. Actually, the scenes with Matt & Vanessa were well played as you could feel the emotional turmoil amidst the “Guys wish they were there” orgy. Christian giving Matt advice on orgies. Intense dramatic moment goes to Sean & Megan during the second consultation.

The Bad: Can’t think of anything at the moment.

Episode Rating: A

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