by A.J. Wood

Where’s Da Goddess’s ClueClub™ When You Need It?

I have always looked forward to the day that I would have kids. Not that I’m in any rush, but kids are definitely in the big picture. There are those moments of self-reflection where I wondered if I would make a good parent, wondered if I could bring a child into a world comprised of violence & hate.

I realized today that it’s not random acts of violence I have to worry about, it’s random acts of stupidity. It’s been over two years now that I’ve been reading about forgetful parents leaving their children in vehicles only to have them die from heat related trauma. My thought was “Stupid stupid parents, well that won’t be me.”

Now I have to worry about daycare workers. These needless deaths are absolutely unforgivable. God help the families that lose their children, but I’m no more informed on this phenomenon then I was back in 2001.

Anybody have a clue on why these things happen? Do you realize the last I heard they were adding alarm devices to vehicles to REMIND PEOPLE ABOUT THESE CHILDREN?

in News 3 comments
 by A.J. Wood

Happy Birthday Lesli!!!

My sister, the grrl-rocker goddessToday is my sister’s birthday!!!

Seems like only yesterday my claim to fame was the title “BIG brother”. That was a serious gig when Lesli & I were growing up. I adored my little sister (still do) and I was her idol for those tentative kindergarten years. Of course things change, people grow, little sisters soon become independent and big brothers learn to accept change or we die a painful death from anxiety & stress (just kidding).

Ambitious doesn’t even begin to describe Lesli. If I set the standard she surpassed it long ago. She’s grown into a fiery young woman who manages to capture unique experiences first and set the trend for everyone else. The definitive musical prodigy, she is well versed in piano, guitar, bass & vocals.

In fact, she was four years old when she started buggin’ my piano teacher for lessons every Saturday. Lesli would sit through the entire lesson, interrupting, asking questions, tellin’ my teacher that she would be a MUCH better student.

Finally, as a deterrent Ms. Hunt suggested that if Lesli wait until she was older and could read, then maybe she’d talk to our father about piano lessons. Before my lesson was through, little sister found the biggest book we had in the house and started reading out of it. (Heh, a picture with Lesli and that GINORMOUS bible would be priceless)

Either way, Ms. Hunt could no longer refuse lessons and our father was quick to encourage her. Through the years Lesli’s ambition & discipline have pushed her to the limit as not only has she mastered her musical talents, but did I mention my genius of a sister graduated highschool at 15?!?!?!!!

Lesli continued on to complete a dual major in college then followed her dream to Seattle where she’s lived for several years now. When she’s not rocking the local venues with her band Ms. Led, she’s crackin’ the books at UW’s law school.

Whether it’s precise classical instrumentals or blitzkrieg punk vocals, Lesli’s image is not confined by her musical talents. You might say I’m her biggest fan. . .

Checkout Lesli’s website (where her stage name is “Roxy”) and wish her happy birthday for me!

in Editorial 4 comments
 by A.J. Wood

recap: nip/tuck episode 5

I’m turning Japanese, yes I’m turning Japanese I really think soSorry for the late posting, but this was one of the entries lost during the break-in. I’ve done my best to rewrite from memory.

Last week on Nip/Tuck… Christian discovers the competition while test driving a Lamborghini, Sean feels icky about the new porn star clientele, Matt adds “fluffer” to his list of vocabulary words along with “NGU” & “chlamydia“ we learn that while Sean doesn’t have the moves to “back that ass up” he’s certainly gentle & caring when it comes to the transgender community. Christian channels guilt into a brand new car while Sean decides to pass on porn & free sex.

OK, so what’s left to do after attending a porn party? Apparently a visit to Sexaholics Anonymous. Last night’s episode kicked off a close-up of Sean consulting with a new patient. Patient exclaims “Turn me Japanese! Will you turn me Japanese? I’m really cra-zy…” Well, maybe he doesn’t think he’s nutso, but Sean & Christian give him the once over. Apparently, the patient has found true love and she’s asked him to alter his gaijin appearance to look more like her Japanese ancestors. This is the only option available to fool her parents who must approve of him before he can get suckie-suckie. Would anyone else volunteer for mutilating their face? Yeah, I didn’t think it sounded like true love either.

Jump to Julia discovering she’s pregnant. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to Christian at the club with his boys scopin’ the nightlife (who knew Christian had any pals aside from Sean?). The usual debate over single vs. married ensues peppered with references to blowjobs and the variations of international head (apparently Germany gets high marks). His posse looks on in amazement as Christian picks another winner to play with his hobby horse.

Cut to next day, Julia’s getting an exam back. Watch her cringe as teacher mentions “Look who’s been studying.” Pissed off she storms out of class followed by her would be suitor doing his best Patrick Dempsey impression. “We should go to this great mid-east restaurant, they’ve got the Kama Sutra playing in the background.” to which Julia replies in vaguest possible way, but I won’t be here next term.

Cut to Sean & Christian preparing to do a tattoo laser removal. (Mind you while I have a full back tattoo, I do not have anybody’s name stamped on my butt) More philosophy about love and what is behaviorally acceptable. Grace requests help with a consult and Sean points out that Christian better be nicer to her to which he replies “She isn’t dead yet right?”

Cut to a consult with former 90210 star Gabrielle Carteris (you know Andrea) who finally decided to get her nose done. Well, maybe her head smashing into her steering wheel had something to do with it, but hey better late than never. Throw in some bickering between Christian & Grace and you get the gist of the scene.

Cut to the new patients walking out and Christian starts scolding Grace for not doing a proper consult before he stepped out of surgery. Conversation comes to a brief halt so Christian can checkout the fine booty that is attached to a young lady watering office plants, followed by Grace pointing out that hickeys are best left covered in the office, followed by Grace shaking her money maker for Christian as she struts off to her office.

Cut to dinner at the McNamara house. Sean gives Julia dead flowers (it’s a joke really) followed by vague dialogue about acorns & oak trees, A’s vs. A minuses and “Guess what I’m pregnant you jerk.” Sean once again looks baffled and confused.

Cut to morning surgery, ethics discussion about Japanese oppression, Sean gives Christian the “good” news about the pregnancy. Sean’s not sure what he thinks and as usual asks Christian to help him make the decision. Christian tells him “Seeing as how I really want Julia all for myself, I can’t answer that for you.” (No, he really doesn’t say that, out loud, but you can tell that’s what he’s thinking). Cue The Cardigans music and while the docs whittle away at the gaijin’s face “Love me, Love me… say that you love me.” is heard in the background.

*music still playing* “Fool me fool me… go no and fool me” Watch as Grace goes into Christian’s office to see him getting jiggy with the plant lady on the top of his desk. (Imagine legs in the air, Christian smiling at Grace… too funny)

Cut to Grace and Christian making quips back & forth in the breakroom:

“Surprised you don’t have a special coffee girl for that.”

“No, I like Jasmine she has the ability to make things grow.”

“I think you’re pissed because I busted up your boys club, better yet you have a sex problem and I think you should go to this meeting.”

“Gee Grace, that’s nice. Maybe if you had your own orgasm once in a while, you wouldn’t have to live through mine.”

*cue commercial break*

Cut to bedroom, Sean wants to have the baby, Julia doesn’t know if she can do it again. Sean is his delusional state says “But dear, a baby would fix all our problems, a baby equals marital bliss.” Julia thinks he’s full of shit, but then he agrees that he’ll take time away from work for the baby and she can still goto school. Shock & awe ensue…

Cut to the creepiest scene of the evening. Christian is out trolling again and is propositioned by an old (and I do mean OLD) client. Apparently, she was once a looker and bartered for surgery enhancements. Christian points out her currency isn’t any good anymore to which this whacko offers up her 17yr old daughter as payment. “Ever do a mother & daughter? You can have us both Christian, I know how you like it… I’ll show her for you.” Yuck.

Cut to Christian skipping out and moving on to the sexaholics meeting. Christian isn’t impressed. Gets the speech from the headmistress running the show. “I understand if you want to leave, I know I did my first time here, but I’m 8 months celibate and never felt better. Here’s my number call me if you want a sponsor.” In true Christian form, he calls her as he’s walking out “Yeah I need a sponsor (and a good lay).”

Cut to Christian’s bedroom, headmistress is freaking out on the bed. “I slept with a plastic surgeon, 8 months of work gone, I’m such a horrible person, O my low self-esteem.” To which Christian tells her to 12 step her way out of his apartment.

Cut to next morning surgery, Christian realizes that Gabrielle Carteris (remember Andrea 90210) has had previous plastic surgery and assumes her husband is beating the crap out of her. Sean & Julia discover there’s a problem with the pregnancy and Julia will have to drop out of school and be bedridden for seven months.

Cut to McNamara house. Julia gets some takeout. Sean looks confused as always, and why is it that Matt has to be the mature one? Matt drills his mom about the baby, it’s obvious she doesn’t want it so why have another excuse to missout on school. (At this point Julia should have said “Oh yeah? Well, at least I didn’t almost cut off my penis!” but she doesn’t, instead she just sits there a mixed look of pride & guilt)

Cut to Christian & Grace finding out just how crazy to people in love can be as Gabrielle begged her husband to break her nose with a hammer (loved the flashbacks on that one).

Cut to Julia taking her midterm exams, then feinting after class.

Cut to Grace & Christian at the bar. She’s just been stood up, Christian offers and O-so sincere apology for riding her so hard at the office. They wax poetic about the boundaries of love and what extremes people go to then we cut to Christian riding Grace hard at his place (shame on you if you didn’t see that coming).

Cut to Christian giving his final grunts, Grace rolling out of bed and leaving without so much as a return glance.

The episode ends with Julia & Sean arguing about the miscarriage (shame again if you didn’t guess that one). Sean blames her for not wanting the baby, Julia’s pissed because he won’t acknowledge it as having been a quick fix, just another distraction from their real problems.

The Good: Grace walking in on Christian screwing the plant lady, that was a classic. The dialogue exchanges between Christian and almost every female in this episode. His lines were priceless.

The Bad: OK, I generally understand “Viewer Discretion” to mean mature content, but for God’s sake if I’m going to see Christian’s butt three times per episode at least balance that out with some semi-nude females. It’s getting to the point where I know what religion Christian is and that is just a little TMI for this guy.

Episode Rating: B+

in Arts/Media 3 comments
 by A.J. Wood

Movie Review – Open Range

This is about as good as it getsThe Plot – In Open Range, Kevin Costner costars with Robert Duvall as two cowboys Charlie Waite & Boss Spearman livin’ off the land along with their companions Mose & Button. Driving cattle along the open range, they try to avoid towns as bunking with Mother Nature is the only place where they feel truly free.

Trouble comes to pass when Boss sends Mose into town for necessary supplies. One incident stirs up a chain of events that ultimately tests the friendship between Charlie & Boss and forces them to deal with their past as well as the town’s future.

“I want you to know that if I never see you again, I meant every word I ever said to you and I appreciate everything you said to me.” – Charlie Waite

The Review – And I mean every word I’m about to write. Screw Ebert & Roeper this a crappy one-dimensional film. To rate it “two thumbs up” must mean the bar was set with Gigli and Uptown Girl. I don’t enjoy people who talk-talk-talk while I’m watching a film, but when nearly 80% of the audience is heckling the dialogue I can guarantee you there’s a problem.

The last western I enjoyed was Unforgiven which was as gritty as they come. Open Range could be compared to Unforgiven if you change the plot a little, throw in poor, mistimed dialogue and add a few cardboard cutouts. The movie plot isn’t a mystery if you’ve seen the trailers. The pace of the film isn’t too slow, but if you’re like me your mind will be wandering as you’ll always be two steps ahead of the actors waiting for the next event. What’s funny is the trailers give you the impression that this film has depth. Take the quote above. From the trailer you assume that Kevin Costner & Annette Bening have known each other for some time or that there was some intimate exchange between their characters. People they barely spoke to each other! Everybody laughed at hearing that line. It was like seeing Jennifer Aniston having sex with Mark Walberg in Rockstar – just some funny stuff. There are other instances where the dialogue seems completely misplaced.

The film is not without some good points. The cinematography was good, especially the long range shots with the lush green colors and mountainous background. The gun fights and other action sequences were done well. The cuts flowed better than some films I’ve seen, I just wish this was a DVD rental so I could have skipped to each 10 minute sequence.

Unless you are a huge western fan or you just want to see how this movie compares to Waterworld I wouldn’t waste the money.

I should have joined Ryan and gone to see Freddy vs. Jason.

Grade: D+

in Arts/Media 2 comments
 by A.J. Wood

Recap: Nip/Tuck Episode 4

Ya gotta love the FX Network. When consumers have choices as to which time-slot they can catch a program that’s a good thing. At least it is for those of us that aren’t able to get Tivo just yet.

Last week on Nip/Tuck… Sean berates Christian for not screening patients properly, Matt almost cuts off his penis doing a home circumcision, Christian takes up the role of The Graduate to save the practice and a manic-depressive scares the bejeezus out of us as we wonder whether she’ll stab Grace repeatedly or just shoot her.

After the events of last week I think our guys needed a pick-me-up and what better way to do that then attend a porn party. Woo Hoo! Now that’s mixing business with pleasure.

The episode kicks off with Christian taking a look at a new Lamborigini (you remember the nice acid bath his other vehicle received last week). While taking her for a test drive, Christian attempts to haggle the price by offering the salesman some surgery perks for his girlfriend. The exchange is quickly shot down as the salesman points up at a billboard advertising a competitor to Christian & Sean’s practice. Looks like there’s a new doc in town.

Cut to Sean giving a consult to a young blonde. Watch Sean grimace as he discovers said actress is in the porn industry. Watch as Christian comes into the office just in time to keep Sean from turning a new client away.

Argument ensues. Sean is feeling a icky about having porn stars as clients. Christian lets him know that his sphincter is squeezing way too tight and with the recession any business is good business. Especially when you consider an old classmate is advertising all over town and taking all the cases Sean turns away.

Cut to next day, Sean & Julia in bed together. Clearly obsessing over the “You’re a hoidy-toidy uptight suburbanite” statement Sean attempts to get kinky with the Mrs. He’s quickly shot down as she’s late for her first day back at school. Awkward bits aside, he quickly jumps into Yes Maa’m mode.

Quickly speed through some slow scenes where Sean unloads a bevy of “I’m not uptight” to Christian. He’s also pissed because he thinks Christian set him up to consult a transgendered person to make a heavy handed point how conservative he is. Christian crys “Hey, I didn’t know she was a he looking to be a she” and waxes philosophic on how to properly romance a woman. He then hands Sean a beer tub full of sample porn while he snags the invite to the Porn Princess Ball.

Christian takes Matt to the party (as that’s what men do to cheer up the younger generation) and while Matt learns what “fluffers” do, Christian bumps into his old classmate. Dr. So&So is apparently doing very well despite graduating at the last of their class. His billboards are a hit and after dangling a potential partnership let’s Christian know that while he may be the better surgeon “I’m now the better sales guy.”

(Those that have been watching will understand the complete devastation of Christian’s ego at this point)

Cut to scenes of patients storming out of office as the porn gals are having their own get well party in the recovery room. More arguing ensues between Christian & Sean. Christian calls Dr. So&So to discuss merger.

Cut to Matt telling promising porn starlet “Yo, I fed you that I’m an agent line to get laid, but you were great and all.” to which she replies “It’s okay @ssh#le, I just gave you an STD.” Shock & awe ensue.

Cut to Sean at a county hospital where his transgender patient Sophia is upset because her friend had a surgery mishap. Some moving scenes touching on the plight of transgendered folks as they are shamed and treated like freaks. Cut to commercial but not before Sean gives a knowing look at the camera when Sophia gives up the other surgeon’s name.

Cut to Christian getting a taste of the good life, babes, mansions and isn’t that the Lamborigini he wanted to buy?

Open with Matt reading up on his STD. Julia catches him with her biology book “But you don’t study biology?!?!?!!” Cut to Christian taking a blood sample from Matt in his office with Julia watching over. Christian berates Matt for careless acts of wanton sex, Julia then delivers another crushing ego blow to Christian by badgering him to the point of tears as she lets him know just how pathetic his life has become.

Cut to Sean at the other surgeon’s office. Wouldn’t you know it, the surgeon is Sean’s old professor, the very man who inspired him to do plastic surgery. Scenes of argument & reflection. “You’re headed down the dark path Luke.”

Cut to Sean agreeing that he’ll do a lot of transgender surgery in the future. Hugs. Cut to Christian getting the brush off from Matt after telling him “You’re okay, I’m okay. Let’s go pickup chicks in my new car.”

The episode wraps up with Christian returning his new toy after telling Sean he turned away the porn clients. In a reversal from earlier Sean turns down Julia’s sexual advances to bone up on new surgery techniques.

The Good: Aspiring “actress” dressed up like Britney Spears in shiny, silver catholic school outfit. Matt asking said gal “So what does a fluffer do?” prompting the girlie to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop. Watching Julia lash out at Christian after the porn party. You could see his sense of self-worth just get all nutted-up and crushed. No sex scenes highlighting Christian’s butt (althought Michelle would disagree with me on that one) *chuckle*

The Bad: Hacked off genitalia at the county hospital. Sean turning down Julia after she says “Hey, I dig the porn videos you brought home, I’m sooooo hot right now.” Dude? What were you thinking?

Episode Rating: B

Jason seconds my opinion on Nip/Tuck.

in Arts/Media 6 comments